Note: This one is a little longer than the previous posts, but it’s all good because it’s Saturday and hangover poops are a little bit longer, right?
I thought maybe it was time to actively start trying to date. I meet people out and about but there’s never really any sparks. So I went online and made a profile. A nice short sweet profile with all the basics “I like walks in the park, sunsets, beaches, blah, blah, blah” and then a little note that says if you are going to message me please be a little more creative than “hi,” “hey,” “what’s up?” Needless to say, fifty percent of the messages I got the first day said exactly that. I know people don’t read the profiles. They just look at the pictures and are pretty much like, “I’d do her, I’d do her, nope, not that one, or that one, oh yea, come to papa, I’d do her, and her and her sister.” I get it, people base most things on appearances. Food: “looks good, I’d eat it.” Cars: “looks good, I’d drive it.” Book covers: “looks good, I’d read it.” Prospective mates: “looks good. I’d fuck her.” So it wasn’t a surprise that over half of the messages I got were shallow fuckers just looking for a fling. It was surprising that within the first 24 hours I had over 100 messages. It was actually a little crazy. So my system was basically, the first ones to ask for my number and get me off this site would be the winners, because I can never stay on a dating a site for more than 3 days or so before reality starts to sink in and I’m like “forget it. I’m going to die single and I’m ok with it.” So here was the rundown:
Bachelor #1: Ex military man turned meditative prepper. Loves the outdoors, hiking, camping, etc. Wants to build an earthship and a garden on his land in the country and work with youth to stop the violence. Would love my help becoming a vegetarian. Basically, my dream guy. Asked for my number immediately
Bachelor #2: Older gentleman, no kids, married once. Normal down to earth guy just wants to find someone to settle down with. Handsome, hard worker, nothing too spectacular to mention, but sometimes that’s just what a person needs. Asked for my number immediately
Bachelor #3: Handsome dreadlocked man. Straightforward and to the point. Got my number immediately (see the pattern here?) and asked for my Facebook (because he wanted to make sure I wasn’t crazy, but there are so many forms of crazy). Hard worker. Possible job hopper like myself, but we all need to find our thing. Funny. Religious. Doesn’t mind my filthy mouth. And he smelled so good, but we’ll get to that in a second.
I’m very open. Maybe too open, but I’m just at the point where I don’t want to have to impress anyone. I want people to know from the beginning, I have no shame and nothing to hide. Yes, I’ve made many mistakes. Yes, I dress like a color blind kindergartener. Yes, I will tell you that I’m 40 and still have no idea what I want to be when I grow up. Yes, I will tell you the truthful answers to questions and you will wish you had never asked in the first place, but that’s just me. I don’t care. There are millions of people in the world. If I’m not your cup of tea, there’s a thousand more flavors for you to try and vice versa. And yes, I will tell you where I work although I’m starting to rethink that because after only talking for one day bachelors #1 and #2 showed up at my job to meet me.
Bachelor #1 came in looking like he was going to rob the place but then just came over and talked to me until I figured out who he was. And he was charming and didn’t give that stalker vibe that you would expect from someone who just showed up at your job. And like I said before, he was my dream guy so maybe he was just a go with the flow, where the wind blows kind of guy. And I’m ok with that. Bachelor #2 showed up at the wrong location, but texted me to tell me he was there. I texted him back and told him I was standing right behind him. Then I laughed. Then I told him I was lying. Then I resolved not to tell people where I work anymore. Bachelor #3, did all his stalking online like a normal person. He’s probably even reading this blog with you. And he still wanted to meet me. Which might mean he is even crazier than the first two.
Bachelor #1 is from New York. He called me on the phone and started a conversation with, “Yo, B.” I politely asked him to never fucking use those two words while talking to me unless he was actually needing a yo-yo or singing the alphabet song. He didn’t understand why, but said ok. Then he asked if he could come take me to work because as it turns out he lives six blocks from me. So I say yes. Seems harmless enough. So he picked me up. Took me to work. We had a conversation that was ok. And I went on with my day.
Bachelor #2 works until 8pm and twice has asked me to meet him after work for chicken wings or spinach (after I told him I was a vegetarian). But a 9 pm date to me says liquor and one night stands. And I’m trying to change my ways. So guess who is not getting a date unless he’s willing to do brunch?
Bachelor #3 meets me downtown. Doesn’t push to come to my house. Doesn’t grope me the whole time we are down there. Goes into the bookstore with me. And the fancy olive oil store. And tries some 18 year old grape dressing like a shot when the man clearly said sip (so maybe he’s not a good listener) and got a mouth full of vinaigrette instead of a shot of wine, which I think is what he was expecting. But I was amused. And he was a good sport about it. And did I mention, he smelled great? So we walked around and talked and talked and talked. And then went our separate ways. He didn’t try to kiss me. He didn’t try to get me to go home with him. He did offer me a ride, but I think that was because he is genuinely nice and not because he was trying to scope out where I live so he could pop up later because he needed to talk because that’s what bachelor #1 did later that day. Overall, it was a successful date.
Back to bachelor #1. He texts me. Says he needs to talk to me. Is already calling me baby and planning our future because “if you’re feeling something, there’s no need to take it slow.” So I tell him he can swing by and sit on the porch, because at this point my intuition is kicking in and there’s no way I’m introducing him to the dogs because they may need to eat him later and I don’t want to ruin that for them. So he comes over and sits down next to me, I gave him some chocolate chip cookies I just baked and then he starts his conversation off with, “Yo, B.” I don’t know why it grates on my nerves so much but at that point it was a respect thing. I asked you not to call me that. I’m letting you get away with baby and I don’t really like that either considering you don’t even know my middle name or my last name or the fact that I have a gun in my house and pretty good aim, but it’s cool, go on. So I let him finish his sentence before I say, “you fucking don’t like the fact that I fucking swear all the fucking time and I fucking gave it a rest so as not to fucking offend you but what the fuck is the reason you are fucking calling me fucking YO, B?”
In hindsight, maybe that was a little aggressive, but I was trying to prove a point because he told me people can change and I should stop cussing so much. I should also point out that he says fuck and a plethora of other words that are also in my vocabulary. Nevertheless, we got into a heated debate about it and it was all fine and dandy until he started raising his voice to get his point across and I politely stood up and told him to go home and lose my number because this was not going to work. And then I ate his cookies.
So bachelor #3 is really the only one going in to round 2 at the moment. I want to delete my dating profile, but my married friends are relying on me to keep them entertained and thankful that they are married. And the lady on the bus who warned me that internet dating was dangerous thinks I can find a nice man at the mission so I guess there are other avenues to explore….sigh….