When I was eighteen, I got married. Not because I was in love. I mean, I did love him at the time, but I knew he wasn’t the one. I was pregnant with kid number two and he was dad number two. In my mind, I didn’t want to have two kids by two different dads. Looking back I laugh because I’m 3 for 3 now. It’s been 22 years since I said I do and I’m still married. We were together for a year before everything fell apart and we separated. We’ve been separated ever since. No trying to get back together. No reconciliation. We aren’t even friends. We are civil, but that’s about it. And we never officially divorced. Not for any specific reason. I’ve tried over the years once or twice to divorce him while he was in prison, but it never quite turned out, but I didn’t care too much because I was not planning on ever getting married. And if I’m being completely honest, I feel like it may have saved me from a couple bad marriages that I may have fallen into. I file single on my taxes and on student loan paperwork. I never claim married for any reason. Sometimes I forget that little inconvenience is even there, because, like I said, I never contemplate marriage.
I’ve also said numerous times, if I were ever to get married again, he would have to be abso-fucking-lutely amazing. He would have to be smart, funny, handsome, logical, trusting, trustworthy, honest, and more importantly, he would have to love me exactly the way I am and not expect me to change for any reason. Of course, there has been a time or two in my life where I thought I found him. And that old saying pops into my head again, “if you could have everything you ever wanted right now, would you?” And I’ve always thought, “fuck yea, I would,” but when anything that even resembled everything I’ve ever wanted appeared, I would find a way to make it disappear. I would somehow sabotage it, unknowingly. Recently, with this blog, I have had people say, “you only think you know what you want,” or “you think you want it until you get it” and they are right. I have had a small (very small) handful of amazing men in my life and I have had a bunch of “ok” and “mediocre” men in my life. And none of them were “the one.” And just when I got to the point where I was done with it all, this guy, Derek, Prince Charming, the Soldier, whatever you want to call him, comes walking into my life and changes everything. He may honestly be the sweetest man I have ever met. And it’s quite possibly, the scariest thing I’ve ever experienced. And I can’t even convince myself that it’s all just an act because he wants something from me, because, he expects nothing at all from me. He just likes being around me and I love being around him.
We saw each other three days in a row earlier in the week or later last week depending on how you look at it so Sunday, I took a break from him. I was feeling overwhelmed. I didn’t have to tell him that. He just understood. I spent the day with a friend bouncing from event to event. He messaged me sporadically throughout the day, but not too much. And I appreciated it greatly. I didn’t stay out very late. I think I was home by 6 or so. It had started raining and all the sun earlier in the day had made me really tired so I just wanted to go home and relax. I got home and did a whole lot of nothing, but something strange happened. I could not stop thinking about this guy. I completely missed him. I missed his face and his voice and his general presence. And I was like… what…the fuck… is going on?
Confused, I went to sleep and started my day the next day. And again, I couldn’t stop thinking about him all morning at work.
It probably doesn’t help matters that he sends me text messages that say things like “the thought of you wakes everything within me up” and “I simply want you to enjoy and taste love.” Who says those kinds of things? Nobody.
Needless to say, he was thinking about me and wanted to see me. He picked me up after I got home from work and got changed, and we spent the evening together. And we just drove. No destination in mind. No place to be. No time to be there. We drove and we talked and we laughed and somewhere on the way back, we stopped to eat. Two things happened at dinner:
First, we sat on the same side of the table. I don’t think I’ve ever been out to eat with someone, just the two of us, and he sat on the same side as me, but we both agreed that we would be too far apart if he was on the other side. I know. I know. Puke. I think it’s corny and cheesy too, but it happened.
Second, we were talking and he was telling me stories, because he has lots of them and they are great. I’m not gonna lie, at first I was like, “this guy never stops talking,” but I think that was when I was nitpicking stuff to death because now I’m like, “I never want this guy to stop talking.” Anyway, he was telling me a story and he was so animated and the story was hilarious and right as he got to the end/punchline of it, I found myself laughing uncontrollably and I had this moment where I was just happy and at peace and thought, “I could spend the rest of my life next to this guy.”
Of course there’s a part of me that kind of feels like I’m jumping the gun, but I think that’s just the cynical part of me, because every other part of me feels like this is exactly what I have been waiting for. So I’m not going to doubt that I deserve to feel this happiness and I’m not going to doubt that I deserve for someone to feel the way he does about me. I’m just going to enjoy it and see where it goes.
P.S. We also spent the night together. Talking. And cuddling. And I read him my favorite Edgar Allen Poe poems and he sang Bob Marley songs to me. There has been no sex. And there could have been. He says he wants to make sure I know that is not the reason he wants to be around me. Yes, I pretty much look like that emoji with the heart shaped eyeballs right now.