RouletteWeekend

I don’t think it will matter how long I live. I don’t think I will ever be able to understand people.  Historically speaking, I’ve always been too nice. I see the best in people. I do more for people than they ever do in return for me and I never expect anything in return, not even a thank you, which is fine because I rarely get one anyway.

Recently, though, I’ve been purging myself of all the negativity and of all the people who take advantage of my kindness.

I have a whole list. From friends to lovers, I attract the kind of people who don’t notice me when I’m around. They only notice when I’m not. Maybe because their lives aren’t as entertaining, or happy, or productive or maybe because they just can’t get from point A to point B anymore. I’m not really sure.

Cutting people off makes for a really quiet phone. And sometimes for a slightly broken heart. Maybe broken heart is not the right word. Maybe it’s more of a streak of anger…. when you realize that people that you did stuff for because you cared about them only found use for you when you were of use to them.

When they didn’t need the company anymore because they got back with their ex, or when they didn’t need a ride anymore because they finally got a car, or when they didn’t need you to help them anymore for whatever reason… you just become invisible again.

And I’m not crying about it. Trust me. I know this feeling all too well because I continuously help people and I continuously show up for people. And I do it even when I know that they would not do the same for me.

I even called a few of those people this past week and as history would show, those people couldn’t be bothered with me. But later in the week when they realized they needed something from me, my phone rang off the hook. It’s to be expected, I guess. That is just human nature.

One of my “Jesus-y” friends said, “Angie, you can’t just say Eff everybody. What would Jesus do?”

My answer was that I firmly believe if Jesus was at the point I am at, he would walk away too.

What’s the point in continuing to be taken advantage of by people who are completely and utterly in the habit of taking advantage because you are in the habit of letting them?  Again, I’m not bitter. I don’t mind helping people. I will continue to help people. But I will not continue to help people who only need me in their lives when it suits them, or when they need me to make themselves feel better, or when they need me to help them on a project, or help them find a venue, or help them sell something, or give them a ride, or loan them money.

I know that you are the reflection of the five people you spend the most time with. I guess I just realized today that instead of spending time with people who I am always encouraging to be better, maybe I need to find a few who are also encouragers.

Because I do think that the universe is on the side of righteousness, however, I don’t think the universe is very forgiving of stupidity and repeating  the same dumb decisions over and over again, which is what I have a tendency to do…. I surround myself with all the same types of people and then I look around like a big fucking dummy wondering why I keep going through the same things over and over again that are so similar.

And I know it has less to do with them and more to do with me, because I place value on people based upon the value that I’m adding to their lives and most people just take the value that someone is giving them and never feel the need to return it. Instead, they usually feel the need to act like childish little dickheads and pretend like you don’t exist but call you when they need you.

And I can’t fault anyone for doing that, because if I was a dickhead type of person, I’d keep calling the same person over and over again as long as I could until they finally got smart and quit answering my calls, because, really, it’s their stupid fault that I keep calling because they are the idiots that keep answering the phone every time like I never took advantage of them the first time.

So, I’m done answering my phone. If I can’t have value in return, I’m done giving away all I have to make people feel happy and loved and content while they make me feel little and stupid.

Rant over…

Lot’s of things over…