Crazy Preacher Girl

It was a pretty uneventful day here at the beach. I drove into Panama City to take my aunt’s car to be fixed. I was superbly unsuccessful. I stopped at the beach, but it was raining…. a lot, so that was a bust. While I was in Panama City, I met one of the last Tinder guys who actually have my phone number. It was not a match. Not because he wasn’t handsome and nice, he was. I think it was mostly because all I want to do is see my Pandora’s Box guy. I was supposed to have an early dinner or maybe a late lunch with Marky Mark, but that didn’t work out and I was oddly relieved.  I think he’s scared of me or too timid or something. He sent me a text about the rain and asked if I wanted to do something another day when it’s not raining. I probably looked like a crazy person at the beach because as he was texting me, I was sending him one reply and talking out loud what I actually wanted to say.

Examples:

Him: Since the rain is screwing up any outdoor plans would you be open to another day?

Me via text: No problem.

Me out loud: Seriously? Dinner was going to be outside? I’m sitting outside right now. On a patio. In the rain. Not getting wet.  Because it’s covered.

Him: Thank you sweetheart.

Me via text: Ok

Me out loud: Amateur. Even the most dense of men would have taken this opportunity to at least try the “it’s raining, lets just eat in at my house..” And I’ve already been to your house.

Him: Are you in to Cajun? I’m not sure if the Marley place that’s out of business was Cajun.

Me via text: Cajun is fine.

Me out loud: If it’s out of business, why the fuck does it matter?  Oh, and by the way, the “Marley” place was probably more on the Jamaican Jerk side. Just a guess.

So, yea, I probably looked like that crazy guy that stands on the corner of every major city screaming bible verses, but instead of glaring into cars while doing it, I was looking into my phone. Either way. I guess I was stood up. Way to go Marky Mark.  He may try to “reschedule” but I heard today that I am an “alpha” female and I’m “scary.” So maybe I scared him with my quick wit, big brain and general awesomeness. Maybe that’s my whole problem. Maybe I date assholes because they stand up to me and my “alpha-ness and although I want a nice guy, I don’t want to be able to push someone around. Pfffft. Not that I do that. I’m perfectly reasonable when in a relationship.  I know, you’ll probably be laughing at that until tomorrow. So I’ll see you then.

Pandora’s Box ***

So after my fun filled climb, I ended up going to a community barbeque. Not much food for a vegetarian at a bbq. Such is life. I did eat some coleslaw though…. with pineapple chunks in it…. which was oddly delicious. So I left there and went to the grocery store, which was pretty uneventful. They basically only have Publix here. And the prices are somewhat inflated. Not sure if that’s because it’s touristy here or just because cost of living and whatnot. Either way, while I was shopping, I got a text from a dude I had been talking to on Tinder since I got here. We’ll call him Chris….because that’s his name. So Chris texts me and asks what I’m up to. I tell him nothing. He asks what I’m getting ready to be up to. I tell him nothing. I ask him if he wants to come hang out on the beach with me. He says yes. He lives an hour from where I’m staying, so I offered to meet him in the middle, which is Destin, FL.  I parked my car in a shopping center and he met me there. I know what you’re thinking, one day I’m going to jump into the wrong car or let the wrong person into mine. I hear ya, but I have really strong instincts that have not steered me wrong yet. And as you can see, I’m still here today to write this blog, so all is well in the universe.

So, we drove to the beach and parked. We got out and walked to the sand. I’m pretty much always ready to kick my shoes off, if I even have them on at all. I was not expecting him to be so ready to. I guess if you live by the beach that’s just standard procedure, but when he picked me up in his nice truck, he immediately struck me as the shoes and hat kind of guy. You know, the ones whose shoes match their ball caps and you better not accidentally step on them or it’s a fight in a club? At first I thought he was that kind of guy, but only for about two seconds. He turned out to be super easy to be around and funny. So I kick off my flip flops and just leave them in the sand by where we parked. He takes his shoes off and holds them while we walk. So we walked and talked for what seemed like five minutes, but when we turned around we were actually way, way down the beach, like a mile or three. So we turned around and walked back toward his truck. We pretty much were on the beach for 2 hours.  Also, he is probably the only guy I met on Tinder (besides Marky Mark) who didn’t send me a dick pic. And he was the only one who didn’t recommend or allude to sex being the whole reason to get together. But we did talk about sex near the end. He was saying that people basically turn crazy after sleeping with him. I made a joke about my vagina being like Pandora’s box. I didn’t mention that people also go crazy (and break out my windows and headlights) after sleeping with me. I figured I would leave that for another day. Anyway, we got done walking and he invited me to his place. He didn’t even have to offer me pizza. He is super adorable, I was just following like a lost little pup. Just kidding. Can you imagine me doing that? Ha!

He took me back to my car and I followed him to his place. He turned the TV on and warned me that there was a chance porn was going to pop up. I laughed. It didn’t. What did pop up in his recently viewed movies was Shottas, which is one of my all time faves. But we didn’t even really watch it because we were talking. He told me a little bit about his childhood and past relationships. He also told me he has Tourette Syndrome, which I was slowly figuring out, because he had just a small tic, but when we started talking about getting naked, it was a tad more pronounced, so he felt the need to let me know he wasn’t on drugs or anything it was just Tourette’s. Being the asshole that I can be sometimes, I asked him if I needed to be prepared for him to scream obscenities at me randomly throughout the night. He assured me that, that would not happen. So, not to get into the dirty, dirty details, I basically found my sexual soul mate.  I’ll probably see him again before I leave (many times) and may even try to talk him into coming home with me. Who wouldn’t want a sexy, handy, crafty, smart, funny, affectionate, stranger living with them, right?

Calm down, calm down. I’m not bringing him home with me. I’ll send for him later.  (oh, man, I crack myself up).

Also, prior to meeting him. I deleted my Tinder profile and app. Not sure if I mentioned that. It was just too much and too time consuming. It was like being at a bar with free drinks and an alcohol problem. Plus 90% of the men on Tinder are full of shit. 8% just want to send dick pics. Those numbers may be interchangeable. And the 2% who are truly awesome are about as likely to show up in your inbox as a winning powerball ticket is likely to show up in your hand.  Little did I know before I delted it, I already had a winning ticket.

Anyway, I’m officially on Team Chris (I’m sorry there are no pictures, I forgot to get one)  and completely understanding of why he turns women into crazy stalker types.  I’ve fully got a grip on it, plus I’d like to think he’s met his match. Time will tell and since I’m only here for 9 more days, the suspense shouldn’t kill anybody.

An Early Climb

As you may or may not know, I’m in Florida, cat sitting for my aunt. Along with the list of cat to-do’s, there was also a plant watering task I have to do every day. My aunt just planted about $500 worth of ivy or something like it in her front yard. It has to be watered for like four hours a day while it is rooting and growing.  So every morning, I go outside, turn on the sprinkler and either go back to bed or get my day started and then I water them again at night. I woke up a little later than usual this morning because I got in a little later than usual last night, so I ran outside, closing the door behind me because rule #1 on the cat list is DO NOT LET THE CATS OUT! And I locked myself out of the house….barefoot, in my pajamas, without a phone and/or the key. So I walked around the house about 15 times as if something was going to change. Doors were locked. Windows were locked (and also had screens). Balcony has no steps. And I knew that door was open. So I looked and debated on whether I could scale the column and get on the balcony. And then I remembered that I don’t have an athletic bone in my body. So I went to the neighbor’s house to ask if I could use his phone. Still not sure what good it would do. I tried to call my mom and, of course, today of all days, she didn’t answer for me even though I tried to call 3 times back to back like she does me. I just wanted my uncle’s number because he lives close and I thought maybe he would have a spare key. So the neighbor (sexy, scruffy, surfer looking German neighbor) asks if the balcony door is open. I say, “yes, it is.” He says, “I have a ladder.”  So he brings out this 20 foot ladder and I have to climb up to the balcony while he is holding it as my legs shake because I’m terrified of heights and I’m quietly talking to myself, “don’t look down, you got this, bet you won’t lock the damn doorknob ever again, stupid.”  I hiked my leg over the railing, the whole time thinking, if this door is locked, I’m going to be stuck up here because I AM NOT climbing back down. Luckily, the door was open and I got in and thanked the gorgeous hero with the super sexy accent and went on about my day. All that before seven am… I was ready for a nap. And to top it all off, I found out later in the day where the spare key is kept and it was, in fact, where it was supposed to be. I guess you live and you learn. 

Marky Mark Wanted in my Funky Bunch

I swiped right on a guy who looked like a mix between Mark Walhburg and Donnie Wahlburg on Tinder. He could have actually been their little brother. And I immediately sent him a message when we matched that said,  “Hey, anybody ever tell you, you look just like (fill in the blank to see if we are on the same page).” And then he replied that he gets that a lot. And it just kind of went from there. I think my wit, humor, and the fact that I’m not opposed to messaging first is why my Tinder inbox stays full.

So we chatted for a while and he invited me to the beach for a sunset and a beer. I accepted.  I met him at the beach. He brought two chairs and a cooler with a few beers in it. I don’t usually drink beer but I politely chugged one just to be a lady, you know? And we watched the sunset and talked about life. We had a whole lot in common, actually. He was very sweet and maybe intimidated by me, which I really hate. I try so hard to be the opposite of intimidating, but for some reason (probably my really big brain), it never  quite works out that way. Then he invited me back to his house for pizza, which was not code for anything but pizza, frozen pizza…. that had to be put in the oven and cooked for 20 minutes while I tried to hide the sound of my rumbling stomach. He even put all the meat on his side so I didn’t have to deal with it.

His house was really cute. Very bachelor-esque. Like, college bachelor, not grown up bachelor. No bed frames. Just box springs and mattresses on the floor. A shit ton of weights. Like, too many to count. More weights than furniture. And pretty much every vitamin supplement you could think of. And the majority of his food was organic. He was practically perfect. He opened my car door for me. He made me laugh. And then he tried to sleep with me after only knowing me for less than 3 hours and I was immediately not interested anymore.

I’m not saying that this is the first time it’s happened and it always turns me off. That’s not it. I think it was his approach. Because he was so sweet and timid. Don’t get me wrong, I like sweet and timid. I also like a man to be a man in certain areas. For instance, maybe get to know me well enough to know that I’m interested and then make a move. Don’t ask permission like a child with a cat… “excuse me, would it be ok if I pet your pussycat? Do you think you would like that?” Sigh…. I had such high hopes for Marky Mark up until that point. I mean, in all fairness to him, I do know what it means when a man asks you back to his place, but in my defense, I was just really hungry and he said pizza….

Anyway, I let him down gently because I could already tell that he was not probably experienced enough to rock my world and maybe that makes me a bitch, but I’m a bitch who knows what she wants (most of the time).

Gulfing

By the end of the day, the one hour difference is kicking my ass here in Florida. However, in the wee hours of the morning it is actually working to my advantage. My eyes pop open right before sunrise so I can enjoy that bright and early delight. I went paddle-boarding super early today. I think it was around 6am when my aunt’s assistant showed up to take me out to the gulf. So we paddled from her little lake pretty much right into the gulf. I was able to stand on the board through the lake. We had to get off the boards to get over the waves. Once we were out in the gulf, I attempted to stand up again but it was not as calm as the lake and I kept falling in. The first time was the worst time, because I wasn’t convinced that I could pull myself back up on the board. You know, lack of upper body strength and all… ugh.. But, it was surpisingly easy. Then I just kept trying and falling until I eventually just decided that the view was fine from my ass on the board and I just paddled it like a kayak with my feet in the water. Until something started stinging the top of my feet. At first, I thought maybe it was my imagination. Then G, my aunt’s assistant was like, “I feel like something is stinging my feet. A jellyfish or something.” And I was like, “yea, I felt that a couple minutes ago, too.” And then he was like, “why didn’t you say something.” So I told him I thought maybe I was crazy and I was glad that I wasn’t crazy and then I politely kept my feet up on the board and every now and then I would put them in to see if the water was still biting me. He kept looking for jellyfish, but saw none. So it’s still a mystery. I’m going to go check out Panama City Beach today and see what’s happening over there. I have to go to the grocery store and I was told to go to the one further away which is only a few miles from Panama City, so….. I figured I would hit the beach first and then hit the grocery store on the way back.

Not sure if I mentioned that I did, in fact, download Tinder again, just to find some locals who know where to go and what to do. Not so much to get laid. I can do that on my own if I want to.  What I have found so far in my inbox …… nobody is actually from here on Tinder, they are mostly vacationers too, those who are don’t have a boat (except one guy who does in fact want to trade what’s in my pants for a meeting with a dolphin…. still debating), there are lots of military men, a Mark Walburgh look alike, and one swinger couple. Yes, I swiped right, don’t judge me. Or do… I don’t care. I had some questions.

Anyway, it’s been fun so far. I’m getting ready to get back on my writing schedule and be productive now that I’m “settled in.” I’ve been putting the finishing touches on my parenting book that my sister laughed hysterically over, because apparently, me writing a book about parenting is hilarious. Yes, yes it did irritate me. Thanks for noticing. Anyway, that’s almost finished so I would be truly grateful if you would share it and buy it and review it. It will be on amazon. I’ll let you know when that happens. It will also be very affordable. That’s always important when buying a hysterical book about parenting, right?

Until tomorrow…..

 

Dress Hack

I’ve always done this thing that I think is pretty genius when I wear a dress. I mean, I didn’t reinvent the wheel or anything, but I wear shorts underneath. Usually just a little pair of running shorts or something. Just something to cover me enough on the (not so) off chance that I drink too much while out having a good time since I usually only wear dresses for special occasions. Except recently, I’ve been wearing dresses a lot. They are comfy. They are cool. I used to not want to wear them because I don’t love to carry a purse and dresses don’t typically have pockets, but recently, I started wearing a pair of jean cut off shorts underneath. You know the kind…. daisy dukes, coochie cutter shorts, whatever you call short, short, shorts.  I cut my jeans off right around the spot where my big thighs rub together and wear down the inside of the jeans. They are too short for me to wear in public. I wear them when I’m working in the yard, the back yard, not the front. And now, I wear them under all my dresses. Totally gives me a place to put my phone, my car keys, money, ID, bank card, whatever. I have four pockets to work with and since I would never wear a form fitting dress, nobody knows that I have all that stuff in my pockets, UNDER my dress. I just look like I’m walking around empty handed without a care in the world. Like I said, I didn’t reinvent the wheel. I’m probably not even the first or only person who does this, but I will take the credit today. If only for 24hours.

Tinder and the Gulf

I had a pretty uneventful drive to Florida. That’s exactly how I like long distance drives to go. I did drive in the rain most of the time, but it wasn’t a torrential downpour or anything. There was a couple times where the rain cleared and the sun came out and I was able to open my sunroof and just feel the wind in my hair and jam out like an American Idol, but it seemed like every single time I ventured to open the sunroof, it would start raining. Go figure. Either way, I made it here safe and sound.

I’m pretty much here to cat sit two of the cutest (and quite possibly most spoiled) cats in the world, Stella and Pippa. My aunt is their helicopter mom so I came a couple days early so “the girlies” could get used to me. But I’m animal people so I’m pretty sure they already like me or they are just super confused by the overwhelming dog smell on all my things and are trying their best to figure it out. Time will tell….

My aunt gave me the 3-hour tour of the place last night. Her back yard is a coastal dune lake (Coastal Dune Lakes are a very rare natural phenomena that only occur in a handful of locations around the globe, including New Zealand, Australia, Madagascar and South Walton, Florida. In fact, South Walton has 15 named coastal dune lakes along its 26 miles of coastline  — southwalton.com), which is pretty freaking cool.  My stay here includes a kayak and a paddle board and I’ve been told I can paddle from here into the gulf early in the morning and see dolphins, so if that happens, my year is pretty much made. The only thing that would complete it would be to run into KyMani Marley while I’m here and attempt to make a baby with him for the rest of the week, but I’ve asked around and although there are numerous famous people around these parts, none of them are Kymani Marley…..or any other Marley for that matter, so I’m going to just have to be happy with the dolphins.

My aunt showed me a few of the cool local watering holes and a coffee shop, so my bases are pretty much covered. I had a small tinge of regret about deleting my Tinder app that I had installed a couple weeks ago for less than 48 hours. How will I meet rich eligible bachelors with boats without the interweb?? Guess I will just enjoy the sand and salt on my own…. and just hop on a stranger’s boat if I can. Problem solved.

Speaking of the Tinder app… someone told me that I shouldn’t rely on meeting people in person and I should get online to meet someone. I’m not really good with making all those choices. It’s like being at a buffet. I don’t really like to sample everything, I just want to know what the best thing on the buffet is, so I can eat that. Dating is kind of the same way. It’s exhausting weeding through all the “what’s up sexy? What are you looking for?” I prefer to just meet people face to face. Then, you know if there’s chemistry, you know if they get your jokes. As a side, it’s really hard for humor to translate into text. I mean, you really have to be vibing with someone for that to work. It’s just too much pressure. I was literally on Tinder long enough to drive from Atlanta to Knoxville. And since Tinder is location based, I pretty much met a handful of men along I-75. Met on Tinder, not in person. And then a couple from Knoxville. I know maybe I’m asking too much to be entertained immediately, but I want what I want. Entertain me!! So within 48 hours, I gave up on Tiner and deleted my profile and the app from my phone. Only one person asked me for my number before the big deletion so I guess he’s made it to round 2, if that’s thing. And luckily, he hasn’t asked me the dreaded “what are you looking for” question, because I have no answer. I  don’t really know what I’m looking for, if I did, I’d probably have it. Maybe I was just bored that day. Or lonely. And then I got over it. I’m not looking for anything. I just want everything. That’s not a bit confusing for anyone, right?