RouletteWeekend

We went back to Tennessee for Christmas last week. My two sons, mom, and siblings still live there, but it’s not “home” anymore to me. These past few years, I’ve found myself changing in the most drastic ways. I would also dare to call it “growing.” I’ve found myself in a small beach town where I still only know a few people, but I find it to be quite soothing to my soul waking up here every day. I love our house and I love our life, but I was finding myself feeling unsettled for reasons I can’t quite explain. I usually blame this feeling on my Seasonal Affective Disorder, but it was not that same kind of feeling. I’ve actually had my SAD under control for the most part with diet, exercise, supplements, sunlight, meditation, and pretty much everything “they” tell you to do for it besides medicating myself. But it was this heavy feeling. Kind of like the walls were closing in on me. My creativity was hiding somewhere outside but I felt like all the windows and doors were locked and there was no way to get to it. Aside from that, the everything was “fine,” just “fine.”

That’s really the only way to explain it. So I decided that something had to give. I started listening to Marie Kondo’s book The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up and I knew that the “something” that had to give was me. I had to give away the things that didn’t bring me joy. She has a very methodical way of going through your house and discarding of things starting with clothes. So far, that’s as far as I have gotten. I took all the clothes that I own and I put them in a pile on my floor. I went through each piece one by one holding it in my hands and feeling if it sparked joy or some other emotion. I discarded a 55 gallon garbage bag of clothing. The pile I discarded was larger than the pile I kept.

I think it’s interesting the things we hold on to and the reasons for it. So much of what we keep is really just the last thread of a past we desperately want to hang on to. Not necessarily for the memories or the way it felt back then, although that can certainly be the case, but more from the fear of moving forward and what that might need to look like from the perspective of the person you are becoming. It’s kind of a fascinating thing to “feel.” I got rid of so many clothes, the next time I have a special event to go to, I will have to go shopping for something to wear so I will get to pick something I truly love instead of something from my closet that will “have to do.” By getting rid of all my “then” stuff or my “who I used to be” clothes, it opens up room in my closet and in my soul to be the person I am becoming. I realized that a lot of my clothes were dark colored. Mostly black. I gave away a black garbage bag full of black clothes. No wonder winter always feels so dark for me. The sun sets early and everything in my closet and drawers were the color of mourning. But what I want is for everything in my closet and drawers to be the colors of morning! I want yellows, pinks, oranges, reds, and purples. I don’t want funeral attire and now I get to find the person I feel like when I go to my closet.

I think tidying is a form of personal development. Learning to trust your gut. Learning to feel even the smallest spark of joy from something as tiny as a pair of ankle socks. Learning to appreciate what you need and learning to let go of what you don’t. This is the lesson I’m learning in January.