RouletteWeekend

Someone recently said to me, “you’re all over the place,” because I’ve been on a mission to learn lately. I’ve picked up the ukulele. I’ve been learning about gardening and actually keeping plants alive. I’ve been playing around with epoxy art and I’ve been exploring cooking. I didn’t really think much about it at the time, but, if we start looking a little deeper at the “why” of it all, there is usually always a reason that we do the things we do. The desirable and the undesirable behaviors always have a root.

I think my root was that I was pregnant when I finished eleventh grade and pregnant again my senior year. When most people were starting their first year in college on time, I was reading “What to Expect the First Year” for the second time and trying to figure out when the best time would be to take away pacifiers and potty train. I felt like my future was already laid out in front of me and I didn’t have the option to veer away from the plan of raising kids the best way I could figure out how.

And while I did eventually go to college and get a degree, wearing my parenting hat always took precedence over most things. All I ever wanted to be from the moment I gave birth was a good parent. I only had a half baked idea of what that was supposed to look like, but I took what I knew and I took what I read and I did the best I could with the tools I had.

There was no Masterclass on parenting back then. I don’t even think there is one today, but do you know what there is a Masterclass on? Literally, everything else. Which is where this obsession with learning began. Last year, I watched a Ron Finley Masterclass during a two week free trial about plants and urban gardening. Most of my garden still died. I was working too much and not paying enough attention to watering. Turns out peppers are resilient little fuckers, but most veggies need more than the neglect I sprinkled them with.

Over the last year, my life has turned into this beautiful balance of time and energy. I have a job I absolutely love and it doesn’t take up every waking minute of my day, physically or mentally. I have been able to give attention to things that I care about or want to learn about. Photography, cooking, art, gardening, all things creative, really. So when I heard the phrase, “you’re all over the place,” I was not offended. I was actually entertained. I’m not sure if that’s exactly the right word, but I was definitely reminded of my early days in school and when my kids were in school.

On an average school day, kids go to six to eight classes per day. They have math, science, reading, music, art, gym, religion (sometimes). I remember taking a marketing class and a home economics class in high school. I was probably the last generation to learn how to bake in school. And honestly, that class affected the rest of my life, because I did not learn how to cook at home, but that class left a little spark of desire to learn more over the years.

My kids are all grown up now. My youngest son will be 23 this year. Since he turned 18 and moved out, I’ve been wearing out the soles of my shoes pacing the world figuring out “what’s next?” or at least trying to by way of personal development books and asking myself the hard questions.

I’ve been slowly (very slowly) working my way through Julia Cameron’s “The Artist Way.” In one of the very first chapters there is an exercise that gives you permission to explore all of the possible lives you could or would want to live. You get to make a list and then your task, should you choose to accept it, is to go out and live those lives.

My list included writer, artist, musician, chef, farmer, song writer, painter, house flipper, singer, comedian, actress, horse rider, roller derby gal and a couple others. Then you are supposed to take something from that list and do one small action to get you a little closer.

And maybe I took it a bit to the extreme with my inability to choose just one but when we were kids in school, we never had the option of focusing on just one class. We had to attend all of the classes every day or at the very least once a week for the fun stuff like art and music. And it amazes me that as soon as we finish school, we immediately have an aversion to doing any more work that is not putting money in our pockets, especially work on ourselves.

So I’ve been learning how to make epoxy resin table tops, I’ve been learning how to make mayonnaise and hollandaise. I’ve been learning how to play a little diddy on the Ukulele, and I’ve been learning how to create boundaries in my life so I have time to learn all these things.

I remember when I was in college, I had to juggle school work, a full-time job, and being a full-time single mom. I don’t remember “how” I did it, because not doing it was not really an option. I wanted a degree. I needed to make money. I had to be a parent. There wasn’t an option to just tune out and Netflix my life away. Thank God there was no Netflix or Facebook or Instagram back then. The internet was a primitive tool when I was raising my kids. You could find phone numbers to businesses and chat with strangers in a “chat room.” You didn’t have the unlimited options of reading every single thought someone was having, while messaging with strangers on the other side of the globe, while comparing yourself to the 500 influencers you follow and feeling like you will never be enough. If you wanted to feel inferior back then, you had to go to a store and grab a Teen magazine or a Cosmopolitan magazine. And even then, that world was so far removed from my reality, there really was nothing to compare.

With so much information at our fingertips, I just decided, why not make the most out of it. Instead of spending my time trying to play network marketer online convincing people they should want to get healthy, I could just stop worrying about keeping up with the latest get rich quick scheme (which it is actually a really good way to stress yourself out and stay broke if I’m being honest) and work on becoming the best, most creative, authentic, one of a kind version of myself and not compare myself to anyone else. Their cup of tea just might not be my cup of tea and that’s ok.

I’ve worked through my trauma. I’ve dealt with my demons. I’ve called myself out on my own bullshit. That has been an ongoing process for at least the last five years and one I highly recommend for everyone. But at some point, you get tired of all the internal stuff. I’m not saying that you “finish” it because I think we all need healing and it’s definitely an ongoing process, but I am finding that there is healing in learning. You can be and do all the things on your list. One lesson at a time. One meal at a time. One day at a time.

In a world where the resources are unlimited, I have chosen to ignore all the divisiveness and immerse myself in the creative. I’ve chosen to learn from the greats, listen to the stories of people with more wisdom than me, write my own stories down, and live a life that will leave a tiny little mark on the world even if it’s only for a few people.

So, go ahead, make your list of all the lives you ever wanted to live, and do one thing that will get you one step closer to one of those lives. You won’t regret it.