RouletteWeekend

Well, the New Year came around as it inevitably does every single year despite attempts to hold on for one more day without feeling the societal pressures to “make a resolution,” “change what you don’t like,” “reflect on the prior 365 days.” I stopped doing traditional resolutions a few years ago. Making plans that were unrealistic, undesirable and for the benefit of saying “I did it” just stopped feeling good. But unofficially, I told myself things had to change. I have spent a lot of time over the last 3 years or so journaling. Pen to paper. Morning pages with my innermost thoughts, feelings, streams of consciousness… whatever popped into my head. This morning, I had the inclination to do it again. So it started out something like this, “Well, I made it to August last year before closing the journal and never getting back to it which is part for the fall course, I guess. Try. Fail. Try. Fail. It never fails, the SAD, to grab me when I least expect it. But this year I fought back with a double dose of Vitamin D and kept it moving. The new Year came and went,” and then my hand started hurting, probably from lack of writing and I maybe could have just kept pushing through but my desire to feel my fingers on the keyboard outweighed my disdain for stopping again. Maybe I’ll open that journal again in the future and I’ll wonder why I quit writing mid-thought. Maybe I’ll remember that I decided to share my innermost morning thoughts and daily happenings here with the four of you that read this blog. But I asked myself, what do I miss most? Journaling on paper or blogging? And the resounding answer is blogging. I used to Blog every single day it feels like. I would pour my heart out on this digital paper and share my mistakes and my triumphs. It’s always been an outlet for me; a way to get things off my chest, but I also think that as a species, we always want to know that there is someone out there who has done, felt, seen, shared, lived, existed in the same circumstance as us. I know we’ve gotten to this video age where everything is shared in 20 second snippets on TikTok and Instagram Reels and as much as I would love to participate in all that, and I do when the mood strikes, I don’t really have any desire to share my world through video. I much prefer sharing through words. To me, they are just more magical. And video is more about the “look at me” which makes me very uncomfortable. When I used to blog everyday, I felt lighter. It didn’t matter what I was talking about because, honestly, I was usually just talking shit. Bad dates, one night stands, struggles, real life. And I want to get back to that. Even though I’m past the bad dates and the one night stands, isn’t life always a struggle in one way or another?

I never go back and read what I’ve written because it usually makes me cringe. My favorite quote is “No man steps in the same river twice. The man is not the same. And the River is not the same.” And it’s so true. On the few times I have gone back to re-read a memory, I feel like someone a million light years away from me in the past wrote it. I guess that’s the definition of growth.

So, I’m back. Here. Again. Forever? Nothing is forever. For now.

The days are getting longer now and I’m starting to feel better about life. I’ve started a new job that I love. I fell into this 21st century belief that I could make enough money to live by participating in a multi level marketing business. Turns out, I basically just joined a cult of make believe and what was really happening was the same thing that happens in every MLM. The people at the top get rich and everyone else makes a couple bucks. Maybe supplements their income but more than likely uses the income to buy their supplements (if they’re lucky). I’m sure some of it was on me. I’ve never been able to “sell” myself. Hell, if I was a good salesperson, I would maybe be a bestselling author by now and wouldn’t feel the need to peddle workouts and supplements. Luckily for me, the company changed their sales methods and stopped the multi level part and went to an affiliate model, which I initially signed up for, but over the last couple of weeks, I’ve learned out of using it and have found another online app that I like right now.

Another change I’ve made recently is in my health. I had gained back a lot of what I had lost when I first started working out and using supplements. I’m “of a certain age,” so my hormones are all over the place and I want to get them in check. My gut health has suffered because I’ve been eating all of the processed sugars and foods. I’m pretty sure I got through winter on Frozen pizza and sweets for dinner most nights. The Monday before the new year, I decided enough was enough and I went back to eating whole food plant based. It was a rough three days at first. The detox symptoms rivaled that of an alcohol detox. I was moody, I was sluggish, I had a headache that knocked me down so hard I wasn’t even awake when the clock struck midnight. I’m on day 8 and I can finally say that now I’m feeling good. What has happened in the past is that I start feeling good and thought, “well, maybe one slice of cake or one bowl of cheese dip.” And that has not served me. So I’m staying away from the sugars and dairy. If I want something sweet, I have been eating a date with peanut butter and a little dark chocolate. So far it’s working and I’ve lost a few pounds, my skin has cleared up and I feel a lot better. All three things are just more encouragement to stay the course.

And finally, the last of the things that has been happening in life before I close out for today and get my day going is that last year in September, we lost our Rottweiler Zeus. He was the last of our dynamic duo of Athena (our German Shep) and him. I was heartbroken. I said I would never get another dog again. I took all of our dog stuff and donated it to the local Humane Society. I was done. In December, I got a call from a friend saying he had a Rottweiler that needed a home. So Will and I drove to Knoxville to meet the big lug. He was perfect and we immediately knew he was coming home with us. We’ve had him for a year now and he is still perfect, but with the addition of my new job, I thought maybe he would like a brother like he used to have before he moved here. This Christmas, we rescued a German Shepherd named Rambo. He was supposedly in a loving home that just couldn’t afford him anymore, but after seeing how skiddish he is and how vet neglected he was, I think there was a little more to the story that maybe included abuse as well. I’m not here to judge. We are all doing the best we can. Needless to say, regardless of the vet bills that quickly started coming in as soon as we got him, we got him anyway. He’s a very sweet boy and is pretty good with the cats. The vet says he will probably come out of his shell in the next 2 months or so. He says he needs to get acclimated and learn that he’s safe here. So far, so good, I think.

I guess that’s all I have for now. I feel like that’s plenty of sharing. So now that you know what’s been going on with me. What’s been going on with you? Comment or email me at rouletteweekend@gmail.com.

Now, go have a great day and do something nice for yourself.