RouletteWeekend

It’s another Tuesday and another job walked away from. I’m not arrogant enough to think that none of it is me. But I’m also not so self-sabotaging to blame it all on myself. We all have “things” that are non-negotiable when it comes to working in any environment. Some people say that depending on how much money they are making, they will put up with a lot. I used to think that too, until I got a job making more than I ever had that was more like being in an abusive relationship than being an office manager at a granite shop.

I try not to dwell on things and I try not to put so much faith into people and situations that I am overly disappointed when the bubble of deception bursts and people start to show you who they really are.

Maybe it’s my anxiety that says, “enough is enough” or maybe it’s my stubbornness or my upbringing. I guess the “reasons” don’t really matter. It only matters that I recognize certain patterns in my life that cause me to walk away from people and jobs.

The main one is lack of authenticity. I firmly believe that if someone tells you they are going to do something, they should follow through. I’m not a fan of good intentions and no follow through. I never have been as an adult which I’m sure stems from childhood… all the “maybe we can….” that never materialized, all the promises unkept, Santa Claus.

The funny thing about it all is that I don’t even really remember my childhood. Not in the way most kids do. I sometimes get it in bits and pieces. A smell triggers a memory, usually. That memory is usually dusty. I can’t really see it. I can only feel it. Happiness, contentment, anger, fear.

I never learned how to not let my emotions affect me. And that is what usually causes my knee jerk reactions to leave a place of employment.

It’s not that I’m not good at working. I’m actually really good at it. Maybe too good. I have great time management skills. I am a quick learner. I get along with others. I’m service oriented. I love people.

I don’t like red tape. I don’t like bosses who don’t hold people accountable including themselves. I don’t like waiting for people to do the next right thing. I don’t like having a job that is shrouded in fear because of what the press might say or do at any given moment. I guess I just don’t like politics.

I’ve never been good at biting my tongue for too long. I’ve never been good at waiting for things to “work themselves out.”

I want people to do what’s right. I want people to do the job they are hired to do. I want people to let me do the job I was hired to do. I want praise for a job well done or when I go above and beyond my job. I want to be able to go above and beyond my job duties without making someone else feel threatened. I want to be in an environment that is not poisoned by pettiness.

I haven’t found that place yet.

I will be 50 this year. Maybe that place doesn’t exist. Maybe I am not meant to be someone’s “employee.” Maybe I am meant to exist in my own realm of creation. Write things, make things, serve people, be part of the community in a way that is soothing to my soul and not crushing to it.

I don’t know what that looks like yet, but I am slowly working on figuring it out. It’s only been a couple of days. And I would like to say that I have time, but as people I know slowly start to leave this earth or start having a hard time navigating it, I feel a sense of urgency to find what I am missing.

It feels a lot like losing your mind, this searching for “what should I do with my life?” Too many things on the list of “things I would like to do” make picking one nearly impossible.

I want to learn how to sail and how to captain a boat.
I want to write books.
I want to be healthy and teach people how to do it also.
I want to learn to paint.
I want to take singing lessons.
I want to take pottery classes.
I want to take dancing lessons.
I want to scuba dive.
I want to buy a camper and travel.
I want to eat my way through Europe.
I want to share the world with people like me who want to see it and can’t.
And so much more.

But I can’t figure out how to make any of that a career. So I’ll leave it here for now. Maybe as a reminder that I will look back on one day and be grateful that I checked everything off my list. Or maybe this list will just sit here until I’m long gone from this earth and someone will stumble upon it one day and have the means to do everything I wanted and will check the boxes in my memory.

That’s the thing. We don’t get to know when our clock will stop ticking. I don’t want to be waiting while sitting behind a desk doing a thankless job that will replace me before the first flame hits my flesh at cremation.

So I guess it’s time to decide where do I go from here….