RouletteWeekend

I woke up and went to the gym today.

I guess I should back up and mention that I joined the gym a few weeks ago before I quit my job. I thought it would help with my stress level or at least help me to deal with my anxiety by running it out on the elliptical machine.

I like to work out at home when I am doing a “real” workout with weights and whatnot and I’ve created a nice little space in my house to do that. So, joining the gym has always been a thing that I’ve avoided.

Aside from the fact that I have no desire to do any form of working out in front of strangers, I also don’t feel the need to waste the money on a membership because I pay an annual membership for the BODi programs I use (If you want to know which ones and want a coupon code, let me know), and those programs have over and over again proven to be effective when I have been consistent which is ususally from May through October. It’s like my motivation runs in the same cycle as the seasons and from October to May I just want to eat carbs, hibernate, and regret it later.

So, of course I was skeptical when my friend told me I should join the gym. They do have classes, which I do like. But what I LOVED about the gym I joined is that for the price of the membership, you not only get all the classes and use of all the equipment, but they also have a tanning bed section (good for seasonal affective disorder), they have a red light therapy machine, they have a cryo bed, they have a hydro massage chair, they have other massage chairs that are beyond amazing that massage everything, even your hands, and they have a sauna in the ladies locker room.

To me, the R&R section of the gym is totally worth the $34 a month I pay for the membership. Even if I never decide to go there to work out, I will still get my money’s worth in the form of massage and therapy.

So when I say I went to the gym today, I went to the Rest and Relaxation part of the gym today. I think it’s good to sweat out your toxins and your sabotaging self-talk in a sauna. It’s good to relax while being rubbed by a shiatsu chair. And it’s good for you to get a daily dose of red light therapy. So that is what I have been trying to be consistent with for now. There’s a new home program coming out on the platform I use on Tuesday. It’s a 25 minute weight program and it moves kind of fast so it may end up counting as low key cardio. I will let you know on that, but I’m starting that on Tuesday. Because, let’s be real. You can do anything for 25 minutes.

It will probably take me longer to write this blog than to do that workout.

I’m trying to take advantage of having this time off to figure out what I want to do with my life (again).

If you are a regular reader of this blog, then you know that I have written that line at least a baker’s dozen times. I guess the journey really does never end until they throw that first shovelful of dirt on your grave or slide your body into the inferno. Which I find some comfort in because if the journey just keeps on going so does the growth, the lessons, and the possibilities.

And I do believe that those possibilities are endless.
There are so many things that I think I would be good at that it’s hard for me to pinpoint the ones that I think I would want to do long term.

The one thing that I have always said I wanted to do and has never wavered is writing.

I just want to write.

I want to write poetry. I want to write fiction. I want to write articles about traveling. I want to travel and write. I want to explore and write. I want find myself on a wrap around porch overlooking the ocean with a cup of matcha, a laptop, and a brain full of inspiration. I want to find myself on the bough of a boat on the blues seas I’ve ever seen trying to come up with the words to describe it for people who may never get there. I want to be free to dream.

But that’s what every writer wants.

The real question is what am I going to DO about it.

I’ve procrastinated my whole life. I have let things get in the way. I have let people sidetrack me. I have allowed every obstacle that has jumped in my path to be there.

Why?

Insecurity? Maybe I don’t believe I’m any good at writing even though I know better. Or maybe the insecurity is that I don’t believe I deserve to have the life that I want. Or I don’t deserve to have the life I’ve always dreamed of. Maybe I let my upbringing steer the car. Or maybe I’m just lazy. Or feel entitled.

Honestly, I don’t know the WHAT of it all but I am pretty sure that I am the only thing standing in my way. I am the only roadblock between everything I ever wanted and where I am right now.

But if I’m being honest. Twenty years ago, what I have now was all ever wanted:
A nice house in a beach town.
Kids who were well adjusted and functioning members of society.
Friends who I love and have a bond with no matter the distance between us.
A partner who supports my wild and unconventional ideas.

So I guess my dreams are changing a bit. And that’s normal. I just want to feel ok dreaming big and going for the things I want before I get the bad news.
I don’t want to wait to live until I find out that I’m dying of something.

Brain tumor. Cancer. Some one in a million disease that was discovered in me by accident.

I want to live now on my terms. Not when the terms are no longer negotiable and it’s just a countdown to the end.

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of being forgotten after I die and not leaving any sort of legacy behind or not leaving the world a better place than I found it. I know the world is better because my children are in it. But I just want to feel like I did something that mattered and that it wasn’t all for nothing.

Whew.

That’s a little deep for a Saturday.

Welcome to my inner thoughts.

If you could do anything you ever wanted tomorrow, what would it be? I’m really curious.