Stop Force Feeding Me the Fruit from Your Secret Garden

Why do men always insist on trying to cause blunt force trauma while getting oral sex? I get it, you want what you want, but when you have your face in my secret garden, I’m not trying to hold you down there and force feed you the fruit. We need to come to some kind of consensus on this. I mean, seriously, can we get some kind of unwritten (or written) rule like the one used in OJ Simpson’s courtroom but maybe tweak it a little? Like “if it’s not gonna fit, you must remove your hands from the back of my head and quit trying to force it!” I know it’s not near as poetic as the original, but the sentiment is there. You are called gentlemen for a reason. Be gentle. That’s soft tissue back there. We want to please you while we are in your secret garden too. Have you ever been enjoying a beer, I mean really enjoying that beer, like it’s the only beer for you at that moment and when you turn it up to take a nice long swig, your girlfriend comes by and just shoves it down your throat? It completely ruins the moment. It takes all the romance out of drinking that beer. I’m not speaking for all women, because I’m sure there are quite a few who like waking up missing a few vocal chords but you should maybe check on that and if you haven’t checked on that before she starts to take a nice long swig of your beer, maybe you should go with the “look,ma, no hands” approach until you find out.

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