RouletteWeekend

I took a trip to Ohio last week to help my daughter with some house chores. Well, Will really was the one helping. He was on a ladder doing some exterior painting. I was actually super tired and pretty useless. Getting away from our “new life” helping take care of Will’s mom and her house (which I guess is technically now also “our” house) has been a very draining and seemingly never-ending task. I don’t say that for pity or sympathy. I don’t need either. I realize, even though it feels like it sometimes, I am not on an island. I am not carrying all the problems of the world alone. There are actually quite a lot of people my age who end up, despite what they had thought their life would look like, it turns out looking like they are a caregiver for an aging parent or parent-in-law.

I used to do real estate a decade ago and I went to a seminar where the speaker was saying, “Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change.”

I’ve always loved that saying. Recently, it has become my mantra. I have a tendency to let the big stuff pile up day after day after day, until one day, it’s the little thing, like dog pee in the laundry room that sends me over the edge and ruins what could have been a perfectly good morning if I had just accepted that late at night, my mother-in-law wanders the house and for whatever reason decides that the dog doors should be closed.

This was a big problem when we first moved in. I think the dog doors were always closed so the dogs did what dogs do when they need to use the bathroom and can’t go outside. They go wherever the fuck they feel like it.

It was like this for at least the three years prior to us moving in. A lot of the mess was upstairs where nobody ever went, but where Will and I now reside. So we ended up having to replace all the carpet up there before we could attempt to “settle in,” which is a task that has been really difficult for me to accomplish.

I know I keep talking about it and how it’s the first time in my adult life that I have not had a place of my own. None of the bills are in my name here. The decor is not mine except in the bedroom and the office. The life that was made here is not my life.

Which brings me back to the point of today’s pondering.

Sometimes I feel selfish because I do get so frustrated when MIL does things that I know deep down are either early signs of dementia or early signs of alzheimers. For example, and this is a terribly sad example which makes me feel like even more of an asshole for letting it get to me, she has forgotten how to sew, more specifically, how to use her sewing machine that she has been using for over 20 years. And when she forgets, she thinks the machine is broken and then proceeds to take it apart. And then I go in, put it back together after a quick YouTube University tutorial and get her back to sewing. But it happens often. If I am not paying attention or if I am out running errands when she decides now is a good time to sew, we start the process all over again.

Of course, I do not get irritated with her. I actually find it pretty heartbreaking that the one thing she used to be able to do without thinking about it is now such a daunting task that sometimes she just gets up, shakes her head, and walks away.

So, today, I decided to change the way I look at things so the things I look at change.

Instead of saying, “this is my life now?” as I look around at all the things that need to be done and need to be “reminded” to do, I am now saying, “THIS is my life now!” as I look around at the thousands of fabric scraps, the hundreds of spools of thread, and the quilting instructor that I get to live with every day who is inevitably going to teach me, not only how to sew, but also how to embroider AND how to fix the sewing & embroidery machine (with YouTube help, of course) because the machine is not broken, she just forgets. So we get to learn together and without even knowing it, she will be passing down a skill to me that other people would kill to learn but don’t have the time. I have the time and the teacher.

So, today, that’s what I am focusing on…being grateful that we are in a position that we get to be here for Will’s mom and for my mom who also lives in Knoxville, and being able to spend quality time with family for whatever time we have left.

Did I think I would be 50 years old and listening to the alarm bells ringing on the door when my MIL starts doing her weird evening wandering looking for the cat every single day into the night? No, no I did not.

Could it be way worse? Absolutely.

I guess that’s what I need to keep reminding myself. Time is short. Don’t let my impatience ruin what could be a really good relationship and a really good learning experience.

This week, I will be looking for resources on other ways I can help make “home” more predictable or manageable for MIL and also more manageable and less stressful for myself. I know there are resources out there, I just have to find them while walking that fine line of not offending her because she believes “I don’t need someone here to watch me” but I cannot leave the house without worrying that today might be the day she decides to surprise us with dinner and then forgets and takes a nap.

So, I will volley this to you…if you have been in this situation and an assisted living facility is NOT an option at this point as she does not want to leave this house and we don’t think it’s time for that either, what are some resources, tools, books, activities that you would tell anyone in my position to check out?

Any input is appreciated and will be explored (bonus points for solo getaway trips when I finally decide to say fuck it and run away from home).