I admit it. I’m a craigslister. I love that stupid site. I go on and look for jobs when I have one. I look for free stuff when I don’t need it. But my guilty pleasure is the personals section. I love reading those ads. I usually peruse the “missed connections” and then the “casual encounters” and sometimes the “men seeking women” ads. It’s seriously more entertaining than reality television. It’s reality reading. And I love reading. And I can’t even lie, there have been a couple ads on there that I’ve sent messages to, but not in the “let’s meet” kind of way. It’s always been in the “what would possess you to post this?” kind of way. And the crazy thing is that people are completely willing to email you back and talk to you. They tell you their problems. They tell you their insecurities. They tell you what’s wrong with their relationships. Which brings me to the reason why Craigslist has given me commitment issues. Over half of the men on Craigslist are married and seeking something “discreet” but not wanting to leave their wives. I guess I’m just a quitter, because if I try to make something work, and I will approximately three times, and it’s still not working, I’m leaving. I’m moving on. But I know everybody has their reasons and I’m a huge fan of the Do-What-Makes-You-Happy Club. I’m even trying to be president, but it’s making me question everything. And it’s always men on the casual encounters page. Men looking for women, men seeking younger women to call them daddy, men looking for something on the side even though everything else at home is fine but the sex, men looking for someone to “worship the cock.” There’s never any women on their like “my husband has a micropenis, I’d like an average size one just for one night.” And I start to think, why are men so unforgiving? Or is it that women are just more forgiving? Or is it that men just have to work harder at getting laid because there is always a man around trying to fuck a woman? Now that it’s in writing, I’m fairly certain that it is definitely the last one. Because I don’t think women are more faithful than men. I think people are generally just unfaithful unless they are friends with their spouse before getting married and then I think those people are lucky and I hate them, but for the most part it seems like people are always cheating or looking for something better and although sometimes I feel like deep down I want someone to be with for the rest of my life and I want someone to love me forever, I don’t believe people are made that way anymore. I think if I would have found that person when I was twenty or even thirty, maybe, but definitely not now, because sometimes I am that person who just wants a “casual encounter.” I mean, of course I want to know someone before jumping in the sack with them, but sometimes all I want is some good sex and for him to quietly sneak out while I go to sleep. And this, my dear friends, is just more proof that I’m pretty fucked up and don’t really know what I want at all. Two times this week people have told me, “you know exactly what you want.” And they are right. Sometimes. I do know exactly what I want, in theory. In reality, it scares the shit out of me to think of being with someone forever, but not because I couldn’t or wouldn’t want to be with the same person long term, but because I don’t know if there’s anyone in this world who can accept me for me. I mean, you’ve been inside my head for almost a month now. I am a complete disaster. Psychologists will probably use this blog in the future for studies on dysfunction. I give up. Today. Tomorrow will probably be a different story.