The Prayer of the Good Sex*

Is it wrong to pray before you have sex with someone new? Because I always find myself saying a little prayer that looks something like, “please let this be good. Please let this be good. Please let this be good.” Sometimes I feel like praying for good sex is right up there with praying for the winning lottery numbers. Maybe it’s wrong, but how will He know what I need if I don’t ask, right? Maybe it’s not a prayer at all but more of a mantra in the hopes that I will bring good luck to the sex. I used to think that any sex was good because I was involved in it, but as I get older I seem to be having more and more not so good sex. Not that it is bad, but the majority of it definitely does not leave me with sweaty bangs, red cheeks, and a little bit out of breath. One would think I would just stop having it all together (my fast was a failure), but I heard recently that I will probably get to that age where I won’t want to have sex any more anyway. And quite frankly, that scares the shit out of me. I always imagined I would be 70 and on a nudist beach somewhere hubba-hubba-ing at men half my age, but then I was told that after menopause, some women don’t want to have sex because it’s uncomfortable or painful or the urge is just gone and that makes me terribly sad. I think sex is beautiful. I get the biological and reproductive reasons why we eventually stop. My friend, Paula, explained it to me, but if we are going on that alone, I should not want to have sex at all anymore because I definitely do not want to have any more children.

So I’ve been finding myself in the position of mediocre sex for the last few years. It’s not satisfying for one reason or another, but not the menopausal reasons, hopefully that day never comes, which I think might be why I bounce around. I was going to say I think that might be why I’m a slut, but slut is so derogatory. Men get laid all the time by numerous women and nobody thinks they are sluts. They can have 8 kids by 9 women and it’s all good, but a woman has three kids by three different dads and people start making Kermit the frog memes, “but that’s none of my business.” Fuck you, Kermit. I used to like you. Not that I really give a shit about the double standard, I’m merely sticking up for people who do. I was just taking the word slut off the table. And really, until recently, I had been sleeping with the same people over the past couple years. I don’t like going out and finding something new. For a couple reasons. Reason One: You never know what you are getting and you wind up feeling all guilty and shit for praying to God for good sex. Reason Two: If you want to sleep with someone, you inevitably have to get to know them….and most likely leave your house. Not that I am opposed to either of those things, I just wish I could like someone immediately and they didn’t have to grow on me. And I wish they conveniently lived around the corner like that guy I accidentally fell in love with last year and had to leave. Reason Three: People are stupid and you have to wade through five hundred idiots to find one idiot who gets your jokes, laughs at the right times, isn’t a stalker, isn’t married, is sexy, but probably still has way more things on your deal breaker list than you care to think about.

I usually say that dating is exhausting because you have to put time and effort into getting to know someone only to find out you don’t like them. Sex is the same thing. And I always end up having sex with people I would never date. And going on dates with people I would never have sex with. I don’t know where to find the balance. I know where not to find it: Craigslist, Plenty of Fish, Match, a bar, etc. and I’m really not even looking now. I was looking for those couple days, but now I’m back to not looking because they (smart people) say that you never find what you’re looking for while you’re looking and my list keeps getting longer and longer and longer. I want to go into love the same way I walk into life…with no expectations, but I find that rather difficult now because when I walked into love with no expectations in my past, it definitely backfired in my face. Every single time.

I didn’t tell my friend Liz that I pray for good sex, but I guess she knows now. She’s the one always telling me to pray for the kind of man I want, but my list keeps changing so I think God is possibly as confused as I am. I dare not speculate. I will just continue to pray both prayers… The Prayer of the Good Sex and The Prayer of the Good Man.