Let’s talk about sex.
Is there a plan A? I guess if there was, plan A would be Abstinence, right?
And I definitely know what Plan B is. We sell the hell out of Plan B. It’s the morning after pill.
Why isn’t there a Plan C? Or is there? As in Plan CDC… Condom breaks? No problem. We’ve got you covered. Don’t worry about an STD, Take Plan C! Now that would be the money maker.
Don’t mind me, I’m just kicking some ideas around the office. The office being my warped cranium.
But alas, there’s a reason. There’s always a reason. Two reasons this time. So, this lady came in the other day and came to my register with a box of Plan B. Her exact words were, “you don’t know how many times this has saved me!” Of course, I just smiled because the customer is always right, but I was thinking to myself, “I don’t really think that’s how it’s supposed to be used. Is it?” Maybe I’m wrong. And then I told her when my oldest son was getting to the sex age, that product didn’t exist. My plan B was telling all his girlfriends, “don’t make me push you down three flights of stairs because you came to tell me you are having a baby.” I can’t prove that was quite as effective but I’m still not a grandmother, so maybe. The crazy thing about Plan B sales is that the majority of them are purchased by men. Sweaty, nervous looking, panicky men. I always wonder when they get home or back to wherever “she” is, if he’s like, “whew, we’re within the time frame, here it is” and then they high five and she takes it. Or is it more like a Cosby move? “Here’s another glass of wine, baby, and some ‘Excedrin’ so you don’t get a headache” and she accidentally takes it? And I’m not sure where the tactful line is to ask him. “Hi! Did you find everything ok? You did? Great. Is this a surprise or did she send you after it? By the way, we have chocolate on sale!” I haven’t quite worked out all the kinks of that conversation, but I will. Birth control is tricky. Did you know that lambskin condoms only prevent against pregnancy and not STI’s? I only bring this up because I feel like it is valuable information and most people don’t even know this. I was getting ready to sleep with this guy once and I asked him if he had any condoms. He said no, as if we didn’t need any. Yes, my tubes ARE tied. No, I’m still not an idiot. So I told him I would stop and get some. He said, “get the lambskin.” I didn’t know, so I was completely in agreement until I got to the store and read the back of it. It only protects against pregnancy. At first I was like, “why the fuck would someone only want to protect against pregnancy?” And then it dawned on me….. some people are monogamous…and committed (who knew?) but don’t want kids. (Epiphany!!) Anyway, dude ended up disappointed with some Trojans. And it was pretty much a waste of my time and my energy just in case you were wondering. This was also years ago, in case I didn’t mention that part.
Reason number two why I am talking contraception:
I met my childless gypsy twin flame the other day at work because of condoms. This girl walked in to the store. I actually noticed her before she walked in because her energy was beautiful. I know you probably think that’s just more of my hippie mumbo jumbo, and maybe it is, but it’s true. So she walks in and politely cuts in front of a guy in line and asks me where the condoms are. I tell her, she goes and gets them, I ring up the guy, he leaves, and she’s in front of me. She’s got long brown hair and she’s beautiful and spunky. She’s wearing black nylons under her shorts and one had a run in the back. And I think she had on some boots or converse. I can’t really remember. And then she asked if the condoms have a size because the guy told her to get large. And then I told her they all say that and they are all usually average (and then we laughed). And one size will usually fit all. Unless it won’t and I wished her luck that she did, in fact, have the wrong size (and then we laughed some more). Then she asked if I had Tinder on my phone. I don’t. I deleted it after the whole TK the DJ fiasco. I told her no. Then she asked if she could download it. And me being me, I was like, of course. And she was all like, “you fucking rock.” And I was “right???” So then I asked her why she needed Tinder and she said she was meeting someone from there and he was supposed to pick her up where we were. I said, “don’t you have his phone number?” And she said, “I don’t even have a phone.” Then she told me how she had her tubes tied at 21 and has been just gypsy traveling around the country. No phone. No ties. And just basically Tinder fucking whoever she feels like because, well, basically because she can do whatever the fuck she wants. And as she was talking, my coworker looked at her and looked at me and said, “oh my god, it’s like listening to you.” We were the same but in a way completely opposite. By this time, I was already in love with this girl in the most hetero way possible and, if I’m being honest, maybe even a little bit in a non-hetero after a bottle of wine lesbian way, too, because she was awesome and I wanted to add her to my list of best friends. But I was at work and had work to do. So while my phone was downloading and I was busy, she disappeared. My Tinder never finished downloading, her ride showed up on a motorcycle and she jumped on the back and rode off into the sunset with him and a pack of average size condoms in her purse. I didn’t even worry if she would be ok, because I knew she would. But I was a little sad that I may never see her again or find out her story because she was so very blogworthy and mysterious.