Maybe that’s why

I have been really stressed with life lately. That whole stalker broken window thing and work and Joe and the fact that I hate winter has been really getting to my optimistic side lately. And my kid was the one to bring it to my attention. I think we were driving and I was complaining about not feeling good and he said, “Is it because you haven’t been blogging?” And I felt this rush of panic run through me because my 15 year old should NOT be reading my blogs, especially the dirty whorish sex blogs. So I said, “how do you know I haven’t been blogging? Do you read them?” And then I held my breath. He said, “no, you just haven’t been on your computer writing a lot lately.” Exhale. Thank God he’s just perceptive. I should have known he wasn’t reading them. He would rather have icepicks shoved under his fingernails than to pick up something and actually read it voluntarily. So then I got to thinking, I am a pretty miserable person when I’m not writing. I’m also miserable when I’m not getting out of the house the way I like to. I’m miserable when I’m not enjoying the great outdoors. I’m miserable when I let my work/ life balance become unbalanced. And all those things have been happening.  I’ve let my life become an avalanche of things that do not suit me. I’m not pulling the spoiled brat card and saying that I think the world should revolve around me because that’s not me at all. But I am a self preservationist, if that’s even a thing, and if it’s not, I’d like to coin the term. I do think that life is better when the things in it suit you. It doesn’t have to be all about me, but I do like the things that make me happy to be a regular visitor in my life and I started losing that with all the changes that happened so quickly this last half of the year. So I’ve resolved (pre new year) to get back to myself. I’m going to get out more. I’m going to end my work day at a normal time. I’m going to let go of all this built up hurt that has accumulated. I’m going to accept things the way they are in this moment and every moment to come, because the only person that any of these things are affecting is me.

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