My Imminent Wedding

I kayaked to the beach this morning. I had high hopes of kayaking out into the gulf, but the wind was blowing and the water was choppy. I know once I got out there, I would have been good. It was just the idea of getting past the break to get out there. Rather, getting in the kayak after it was waist deep. I’m not gonna lie, I was totally afraid I was not going to be able to gracefully get into the kayak. Graceful being the key word. I know I would have eventually gotten in, but not before someone got me on video looking like a damn fool and that is not the way I plan on becoming YouTube famous.  So I just swam for a while and laid out to tan my white belly. And yes, I was rocking a bikini. Tanned fat looks way better than pale fat. I’m pretty sure it’s been scientifically proven. Plus, I’m not likely to see any of these people again. I know, with that kind of thinking, I could have just gotten into the kayak and attempted to tame the waves, but no, like I said, those people have cameras. Sunbathing is one thing, ridiculous trending video is another. If I’m going to be YouTube famous, it will be for something else…

Also, over the course of the week, I’ve been proposed to twice while in Florida. Ironically, both men live in Knoxville and proposed is a strong and inaccurate word. It’s more like I’ve been informed that I’m going to be their wife. I’m not sure if I could have two husbands or if I should just have a public jousting tournament and whoever wins, gets to have me as their wife.

Man One: Are you going to change your name?

Man Two: I’m so glad you didn’t fuck Marky Mark. Please don’t fuck anyone else until we are married.

Me:  Ummmmm……..o…….k……….???? 

But seriously, I don’t know why all of a sudden I’ve become such a hot commodity. Or maybe, it was the full moon that gave people the “fuck it all” mentality to tell me how they really feel? I don’t know. I dare not speculate. I just keep assuming that they are both joking. I hope they are because if really like to marry someone I’m head over heels in love with. Call me crazy! 

I think they both have psychological issues or they haven’t stalked me enough to know that I would make a terrible wife anyway. Ok, I’m joking. I wouldn’t make a terrible wife to the right person. I’d actually probably be a really awesome wife to the right person because I’m a really awesome girlfriend to all the wrong people.  Either way, I’m not really looking at tying the knot with either of my Facebook friends, especially not before going on a first date. 

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