I logged on to my Google account the other day. I was looking to edit some of the personal information, or at least update it. Ok, I’m not going to lie, I was looking to see if there was an occupation listing or a title to put under my name. I was thinking something along the lines of Queen of the Universe or Writer with Benefits. You know, because I’m trying to be professional and shit. I didn’t find what I was looking for. What I did find, was an emergency contact form, if you will. You can update this form and if your account is dormant for three months, it will send a default email to whoever you deemed worthy to get into your email and read your shit. Who, oh who should be my person? The answer was simple. My first born. Not because she’s my favorite child or anything. Just because she will do what I ask her and if she doesn’t want to, her wife will. So it seemed like a win-win situation. The greatest thing about this feature is the letter. You get to write whatever the fuck you want and send it. So after a little pondering, I wrote this:
Boo! Guess Who?!?!
If you are reading this, that means this account has been inactive for three months. And we both know if I’ve been inactive (online or sexually) for that long I’m either dead or in a coma. If I’m dead, I really hope you didn’t ruin my funeral by letting everyone cry and shit. Not to be confused with crying, and shitting. I hope there was no shitting at the funeral. That would definitely take the “fun” out of it. (Haha, get it?). There better have been reggae music and a shit ton of vodka. And I really hope by time I bit the dust, my 365 days of dicks pics was published and proudly sitting on my urn. Because you better not have buried me. Cremation or Funeral Pyre like we discussed.
Obviously, if you got this email, you can now get into my everything. Be a dear and post a couple statuses on my Facebook for me as if I’m writing from the dead. Things like, “dicks in heaven are so much bigger than on earth,” or “Purgatory was a bust #noonenightstands” or “I’m not sure why it’s so hot in heaven?! …….oh, hell.”
I’m sorry you are going to have to go through all my shit and reset all my passwords. My blog is hopefully getting a million hits a day. By the time I die, I hope to be at least one year ahead on blogs. If I’m not, there will be one sitting in my drafts for when I’m dead. Just post that one. I also apologize in advance for my google photos. I know you are going to want to scroll through and look back on the memories. I’ve tried to label mostly everything, or else I will by time I die unless today is that day, which I hope it’s not because I’m just getting started. Keep in mind all the vagina pictures are mine. You’re going to not want to look at those or you will never be able to wash that dirty feeling off. All the dick pics, well, as I’ve said, they are probably all in the book by now. All the pics of me and random dudes….. no, I did not sleep with them all. If we are standing up in the pictures with our clothes on, it’s safe to assume they are either friends or strangers. Only if we are horizontal and/or naked would it be safe to assume the other. Good luck and have some fun. Keep in mind…. WWAD? What would Angie do?
Also, Please tell Jerry that I hid a million dollars for him in the place that I threw my wedding ring back at him. I didn’t really, but he wasted so much of my time in life, I just want to repay the favor.
And then I followed it up with some nice sentimental “I love you’s” and more instructions for what to do with my dogs and my body. At first, I thought it kind of morbid, but then, I realized how fun it was. So now, I’m on a mission to get everything ready for my death. I think I’m going to save it all in one place. Maybe on my google drive in a folder entitled, “I’m dead, What to do now….” or “Bucket List…. Kicked over…..” or “How Will the World Go on Without Me… A Survivor’s Guide.”
I haven’t quite made up my mind about it. The great thing about all of this? They will send me an email every 90 days to remind me that I have set up the death option. So, theoretically, I can go in and change the instructions randomly. I will keep you posted.