Buckle Up, Buttercup

Every time we are in the car, Mel says, “Mom, can I drive.” And I always say, “nope, not til you get your permit.” Because I’m super responsible, right? One day, I took him to the park across from our house. It’s basically a huge parking lot where they have the fair and overflow parking for the zoo. It’s got a little lake in the middle with ducks and geese and probably fish, but no traffic. So, I did take him there once and tried to show him how to drive my car. The driving /steering part is not the problem. It’s the stick shift/ clutch part that I had to show him. I mean, he’s fifteen, and he’s been stealing cars and running from the police via video games since he was like 7 (see above about me being responsible…. there’s a parenting book about that). So the steering wasn’t the issue like I said. I tried to teach him the easiest way to drive a stick by teaching him how to feel the clutch with his foot and shifting gears without ever having to put his foot on the gas. A trick someone else taught me. He killed it a couple times and was deflated and done with his driving lesson. Recently he’s become more confident. Maybe because I told him to practice shifting gears in his head, but his confidence in his gear shifting skills has been overflowing like a vinegar and baking soda volcano. So he asked last night if he could drive. At first I said no, then I was like, “eh, why not.” So I got out of the car and got in the passenger side. He got in the driver’s side. And he says, “Buckle up for safety!” And he grabs the seat belt on the driver’s side and buckles it.

And it actually buckled. I have had this damn car for a year. When I got it, the seat belt would not buckle. When I am driving alone, I buckle the seat belt in the passenger side buckle. So the seatbelt is basically choking the shit out of me and uncomfortable as fuck. When I have someone else in the car, they get to use the passenger buckle and I literally pull my seatbelt out and tuck it under my right butt cheek and pretend it’s buckled. One year! One year I have been doing this. And in two seconds, he buckles the damn seat belt with no problems.

Now everywhere I’ve gone today, I’ve buckled my seatbelt in the buckle it belongs in. No problems at all. No sitting on a hot metal buckle so I don’t get pulled over. No getting choked because the seat belt is kissing my neck like a serial killer from the back seat. I have driven one of those two ways to Ohio, Kentucky, Florida, North Caroline, and everywhere in between. Literally all my problems were solved by breaking the law and letting my kid drive around the block. I seriously give up.

And he did really well driving. All that imaginary practicing definitely paid off.

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