I’m Completely Oblivious

I’ve been doing this dating thing for quite a while. It recently dawned on me that I’m doing it terribly unsuccessfully. I suck at dating. Like, real dating. Like the kind where you go out with someone, have a good time, and then eventually have sex with them. I’ve been doing it all wrong. I basically meet someone, get to know them(ish) and decide whether I’m interested enough to fuck them or if they are interesting enough to be around with clothes on. I know it’s a terribly flawed system, but it’s been my system for so long. Maybe because I was not meeting the caliber of men I’d even consider long term. I was meeting short term (ten o clock) men. And I continued to be discontented. Over the last couple days, maybe weeks, it has dawned on me that I am completely fucking oblivious to how men feel about me. I don’t get subtle clues. I don’t pick up on social cues. I am really stupid when it comes to dating. For instance, I’ve met three very amazing men in the last month, which, that in itself is not something that usually ever happens, but all three are high quality dudes that  1.) I like talking to, 2.) I can be myself around 3.)don’t get on any of my nerves 4.)are basically happy, positive people. You would think that would be enough, right? In a perfect world, yes, but in my world, which is basically in my head, it’s not enough, because even though we laugh, have great conversation, get along, mesh well, all those things you’d want to have in a “partner,” I don’t know how to behave accordingly. I sometimes feel like my laid back, oblivion to what’s happening around me is going to be the bane of my dating life. I am pretty comfortable in my own skin. I’m also brutally honest. I also don’t really hide my emotions. I love the person I am right now and if people don’t like it, I’m ok with it. I’ve been told that mindset can be a little intimidating to guys. Men are used to women saying what they think men expect them to say. They aren’t used to women saying exactly what they are thinking. They aren’t used to transparency. I’m transparent. Like scotch tape. The glossy kind. Not the cloudy kind. I’m 100%……99% of the time. But 1% of the time, the cat gets my tongue. And although, I’m mostly myself, I find myself refraining a tad. Ironically, it’s when I like someone more than usual. It’s a rarity that I don’t usually have to even worry about. Until recently. Recently, I’ve found myself in the company of a high quality single dude. No secret wife at home. No real “issues.” Great company. Great conversation. Lots of laughs, etc.  So,  I’ve been therapy-ing myself to try to figure out why I all of a sudden get cold feet or whatever the fuck it is when I’m around him. I guess it’s not cold feet, because everything is so damn comfortable. I think the main problem is that I like him more than I usually like people. Which leads me to problem number two…. I will not tell him that, because that would make me vulnerable, which leads me to problem number three, I just want men to be transparent, too. If we, as people, could have honest conversations about how we feel, I think the world would be a better place. For instance, if I could say, “I really like you, but I don’t see it going further than the bedroom, because of that whole “you might be a murderer and you’re awfully sensitive”thing” (see tomorrow’s blog), we could have an honest conversation. Or if he was like, “I really like you, but I hate that you write about every fucking thing that happens on your blog.” Then, we could have an honest conversation. But for me to utter the words, “I like you more than usual,” is basically like being tortured. I’d rather be Chinese water tortured or pull my fingernails out one by one than to tell someone “I like you more than usual,” and then get rejected.  I don’t know if the words would ever come out of my mouth. Well, I’m sure they would, but it would likely be after a few shots of vodka and during some post-coital cuddling. I’m not saying that it’s right. I’m just saying that I’d appreciate it if a man took the initiative sometimes to be vulnerable. I’m not sure why that is always a woman’s domicile. I think vaginas equate sensitivity and feelings, whereas dicks equate machismo and a lack of emotion. I want to be allowed to have machismo and lack of emotion. I want the guy to be like, “hey, I like you more than usual. I’d like to hang out with you and see where this goes.” or “I’m thinking maybe I could see a future with us, are we on the same page?” or even “hey, I know you like to fuck, but while we are figuring out what’s going on here, can we either be brutally honest with each other or maybe don’t fuck anyone but me?” I would respect that so much. I would appreciate it even, because my total aloofness to romantic situations is probably what has caused me to be perpetually single. My lack of being able to distinguish the difference between being friend zoned and being pursued is turning into a serious issue. I always just assume that I’m the awesome girl who is fun to hang out with but I come with so much baggage and brutal honesty that most men can’t really deal. Anyway, I’m trying to work on not being so oblivious to the advances of quality men. And if you are a quality man, you know that shit, speak up and ask for what you want, don’t make us guess, because we might second guess and ruin everything.

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