I’ve never claimed to be mom of the year. Ok, well maybe I have a time or two, but it was mostly in jest. I do know that I’m a good mom. It’s one of my only three talents. Parenting, writing, sex… or writing about parenting and sex… So maybe I have four talents. Or maybe it’s just one. It’s all really a blur now. But parenting and sex have recently overlapped each other. I guess I’ve had an issue or two with my older kids about sex. Well, not really my daughter. She likes girls and married one, so I never really worried about her “accidentally” getting knocked up. If she gets pregnant, it’s going to be intentional. It’s the boys who stress me out. My oldest son had an eighteen year old girlfriend when he was sixteen. Her mom, a police officer, called me pissed off because I told her daughter to get on birth control. Ok, well, actually, what I said was, “you need to be on birth control because if you get knocked up, I will drag you to the abortion clinic, kicking and screaming, or I will kick you down a flight of steps.” My kid was 16. She was an adult. I wanted her to be responsible… or at the very least be aware of the ramifications of her irresponsibility. (Pro-lifers: it was a joke. I wouldn’t have pushed her down the stairs and I wouldn’t have dragged her kicking and screaming… I would have sedated her first). I didn’t have to. They ended up breaking up. And then I took it upon myself to babysit a lot of children or I’d just let my friends bring their kids over and annoy the fuck out of him so he would understand that babies are killjoys. You have a baby, you enter the no fun zone… for a long time…. when you’re a teenager. They are awesome when you aren’t living in your mom’s house and trying to get your diploma. Procreate away when you get to that point.
So now, I have a fifteen year old son, who has a fifteen year old girlfriend. Her mom hasn’t talked to me in a little over a month. I guess because she’s mad a me. I took her daughter to the Health Department for birth control. If I could have taken my son and gotten him “fixed” somehow, trust me, that’s what I would have done. But, I don’t have that option. So I did the next best thing. I had a talk with his girlfriend and took her to make sure there will be no babies. Of course she was uncomfortable at first, but in my opinion, if you are grown up enough to do grown up things, then you are grown up enough to talk about grown up things. I thought I was doing a good thing. For both of our families. I really like this girl. I’m sure she’s gonna be around for a while. I don’t want to push her down the steps any more than I want to beat the fuck out of my kid because he knocked her up. Preventative parenting. I think that’s what I was practicing. And in my defense, I tried to talk to the other mother. She was just in denial that anything was happening. I knew for a fact, because I had to fork out $50 for a morning after pill when the condom broke…. after they had sex…. in her house…. while she was there…. That in itself was a whole other conversation with my kid about being disrespectful and even thinking that was ok… but I digress…. So I tried to mention birth control to the other mother, but she quickly shut me down because she was in denial that her daughter was having sex. And I get it. I would be too if I had a daughter. If my daughter liked boys, I probably would have been in denial that she was having sex. Hell, even though she’s married, I am actually still in denial that she is having sex. I don’t want to think about my kids’ sex lives any more than they want to think about mine… which is why I put the asterisks next to all my sex posts, so they know not to open those. But more than that, I don’t want to have joint custody of my 15 year old’s baby because he decided to be a little fucking chucklehead. So I did what I thought was the responsible thing. Since he was responsible enough to tell me he was having sex. I provide condoms and I make sure he’s using them by harassing him pretty much daily, but just in case that didn’t work, I took his girl to get on birth control. When the other mother found out, she pretty much flipped her shit…. from what I heard. She didn’t flip her shit on me. She was just mad… and hurt.. which I totally get. But I can’t in good conscience offer an apology for ensuring that neither one of us would be grandparents this year. If I had my way, she’d be on a 3 or five year form of birth control. I don’t want my kid having kids until he’s 25 or older. If I could take him to a sperm bank to freeze his little swimmers and then get him snipped, I’d do it in a heartbeat. That may be considered child abuse. I don’t know. I guess it doesn’t matter because it’s not an option. What does matter is that there won’t be any babies, but I’m still kind of confused as to why I’m the bad guy… Oh well, I’ll play the role as long as I don’t have to change any shitty diapers.