I’m Gonna Be a Shark Fighting Mermaid

I took a mental health day Friday. Not necessarily because I needed it, but because I was needed. My friend’s daughter works at the aquarium. She has what is debatably the coolest damn job ever. She gets to scuba dive in the big aquariums. She gets to feed the stingrays and then bring them to the surface so the audience can pet them.

Friday, she had to go clean the shark tank. It was her first time in and my friend was super-duper stressed. So she invited me to go with her. I think her exact words were, “Do you want to go with me to the aquarium Friday? Makayla is cleaning the tunnel and I may need you to help me beat a shark’s ass.” Or something like that.

Everybody who knows me, knows I wouldn’t hurt a fly, but for some reason, I have this small tiny part of me that screamed, “YES!” when she asked me and then I saw myself in (animated) in slow motion, punching a shark in the face, and in that same slow motion animation his face just flung through the water to the left like a slow motion rocky movie.

“Fuck yea, I want to go!” was pretty much my response.

So we got there and she was already in the tank. She had two body guards who were holding sticks, so when the sharks got to close, they would just lightly tap them to go the other way or just move the stick in front of them and they would go away.

This guy (or gal) is my favorite. I’d never shark fight him (or her)….

Needless to say, I’ve added another item to my bucket list. And it’s not what you think, scuba diving was already on there, but at certain times, the aquarium has mermaids who get in the tanks and get to swim around and take pictures. My newest life goal is to be a mermaid. I’m sure it’s a lot different than when I take a bath and hold my breath while moving my head back and forth so I can feel my hair sway in the water, but that’s all I got right now.

I’ve heard the pay is shit, but honestly, I’d totally do it for free if they will just let me wear the outfit and swim with the stingrays and the sharks.

By the way, the sharks looked really tame. They didn’t look like they were a bit interested in eating a scuba diver or any of the fish for that matter.

After Makayla didn’t die by shark attack, my friend, Maranda and I, decided to walk the strip of Gatlinburg (that’s where the aquarium is). We weren’t a bit touristy. We said no to the over priced sky lift rides and yes to every single free sample of wine. And then we paid for a couple extras. We ate ourselves sick on carmel apples, fudge, and ice cream. And we had lunch in a very different kind of Mexican restaurant. Not in that order. All in all, it was a really great day, that I needed greatly. I didn’t even know I needed a mental health day until I took it and I felt so much better. So if you haven’t already, you just go ahead and call in to work today.

I’m already trying to perfect some forged doctors notes for you all. Just shoot me your email and I’ll try to get you one ASAP!

Anal Blindness, maybe… you know… when you can’t see your ass going to work today.

I didn’t even have to make that up. It’s already a thing… You can thank me later.

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