Ask Roulette (Special Sunday Edition)

Welcome to the Special Sunday Edition of Ask Roulette. I found these questions lost in my email like the rest, but this person emailed me twice. Since I never got around to answering the first one,  and this person pretty much went ahead with their plan, I am just leaving the first one unanswered and we will just go straight to the second one.

Dear Roulette, 

I love Christmas lights. Two years ago someone stole the lights out of my yard. They stole my extension chords too. Last year I didn’t decorate because-  a) I had no decorations and-  b) I didn’t want to buy them and have them stolen. This year I have the opportunity to set something up that might give a thief a shock. A literal shock. Without going into too much detail, do you think it’s ok to shock thieves? Not an electrocution shock but more like a make you pee on yourself shock.

Sincerely, 
Christmas is Lit

Dear Roulette, 

You never answered (at least not that I saw).  Anyway, so I’ve wired up my Christmas lights. The ones I used are the “starlight” ones that you shine at the house. I drilled a hole through the handle and ran the wiring there at the base. It’s hot, as in a live wire. It’ll shock you about like touching an electric fence for cattle. I put a dome over it (more like a cage) to protect animals who might bump into it. But if someone removes the cage and goes to steal it, they will be shocked. So now we wait. I kinda hope somebody tries it out and then again I don’t. Still feel free to weigh in on whether I’m a genius or an asshole… or both. I debated for a long time about whether this was a good idea or not. And yes, just FYI, I did test it on myself. I want it strong enough to deter but not to cause permanent damage. Thoughts?

Sincerely, 
Why U No Answer

Dear Why, 

I must premise this answer, on the record, with “I do not condone violence of any kind.” Off the record, I think you are a genius. I really have no use for thieves. I think people who steal should get a little more than an electrical current. I’m very happy that you thought about the animals when putting up your lights. That was very conscious of you, which completely takes you out of the asshole category. I would like to know what happened when you tried it on yourself? Did you, in fact, pee yourself? Are there pictures? Of the lights on the house, not you peeing yourself. Although, we are equal opportunity picture posters around here, so feel free to send both when you send us an update, which I really hope you do. Sorry for not getting back to you sooner, but maybe it was a sign. I may have tried to talk you out of it….. Who am I kidding? No, I wouldn’t have. #teamlit 

R.W. 

 

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