Groundhog Day

I woke up this morning a little earlier than usual. I laid in bed for a minute. Pondered life. Thought about Flea Market Guy. Smiled a little. Got up. Got out of bed. Let my dogs out. Cooked some eggs and toast. Opened the door to let my dogs in. Only two came back. One stayed outside barking incessantly.

I don’t usually mind when my dogs act like dogs. But this was 6am. And I try really hard not to be the dickhead neighbor who lets their dogs bark at all hours of the day and night. I don’t let them out after 10 pm. And I don’t usually let them out before 6:30. But like I said, I was up, feeling good and productive so I just started life early. So the dog who wouldn’t come in, Athena, my doggess of love was outside barking her fucking head off. And it was annoying the shit out of me. I open the door to call her in and my rottweiler, Zeus goes running out to help her bark. By this time, I am throwing around all kinds of “fucks.”

“These fucking dogs!” “What the fuck are they barking at?” “If I go out here, I better fucking risk getting murdered by some psychopath who slept in the backyard, because this is ridiculous.”

I grab my phone. Give it a little shake to turn the flashlight on (because that’s one of my favorite cool features of this Motorola that I recently got) and I walk outside in my pajamas and slippers.

I see my dogs barking into this hole I have in my backyard. The hole is covered up by an old fence panel and is just there to collect some of the overflows of water when it rains really bad. So these assholes (aka my dogs this morning) are barking into this hole. So now, I’m certain that it’s the baby raccoon that I’ve always wanted. I slap Athena on the ass and tell her to go on. She moves out of my way so I can abuse Zeus next. But before I could get to him, he’s got his face in the hole and mangling a little groundhog. I didn’t know it was a groundhog at the time. I thought it was a rabbit. So he has the little critter in his mouth. And is carrying it around the backyard.

I go back to the house and grab a grocery bag because I know I’m going to have to play tug of war with him and this effing groundhog. When I get back outside, he’s still walking around with the trophy in his mouth. And then…. this fucker makes a beeline for my house. Like he’s just going to casually bring his kill inside. At this point, I’m yelling at him and halfway threatening his life. “You little fucker, if you take that thing in the house, there will be two dead animals. I’m not playing Zeus. Zeus!! Stop!!” Obviously, he doesn’t speak English. But do you know what he does understand? Being screamed at while being chased around the yard. He ended up dropping the animal on the ground and before he could pick it back up and carry it inside, I scooped it up with the grocery bag. I’m not even sure it was all the way dead. I think I could still feel it’s little heartbeat in its hind legs that I was holding. I know, it gets worse. And then, I did something most asshole-ish. I just chucked it over the fence. No burial. I did say a little apology prayer to the animal and the universe before I slung it. But my aim is bad and I never played sports in school. So it wasn’t a clean clear over the fence. It got stuck in the tree. And then slithered down and fell to the ground… on the other side of the fence. My conscience may get the better of me later today and I may end up outside searching for the fallen groundhog and attempting to bury him. I’ll probably just use my post hole diggers because he’s small enough to fit in that hole. Anyway… Happy Tuesday. I hope yours is just as eventful, minus the early morning hours and the dead animals.

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