It’s no secret that I have issues finding emotionally available men. Turns out, I am the issue. I know I’ve said it before, but I think I’ve finally fallen off the edge into the dark side. Unboyfriend has been back in the picture for a while. What we have is comfortable and predictable and there’s no chance of it ever turning into anything meaningful. I would say there’s no chance of it being lasting, but I think our 4-year un-anniversary just passed which makes him my longest “relationship” to date, which is really sad considering we don’t have what one would call a “healthy” relationship. What we have is a relationship of convenience. He lives around the corner. I live around the corner. He hates most people. I love everyone, but in small doses. He doesn’t crowd me or care what I’m doing. I never call or text him first because… out of sight, out of mind. What we have works even if the world would disagree.
But it gets worse. There is so much more for the world to disagree with. For instance, I have held fast to my beliefs my whole entire life about men with women or men with wives. It’s a line I NEVER cross. Correction, it’s a line I NEVER crossed until recently. I met a guy and really hit it off with him. By the time he told me he had a girl, I was already too wrapped up in it. By the time he told me that girl was his wife, I just didn’t care. Not that I don’t care about her. I just don’t care in general. I know Karma and all that, but something in me has broken recently. Today has been one year since my friend died. She would be not only pissed at me. She would probably never speak to me again if she knew that I just don’t care anymore. It’s also been a few months since one of my other best friend’s lost her shit and quit talking to me when I had been nothing but good to her. And although I’m happy and all that. I just don’t think I have enough energy left in me to worry about other people. Especially the actions of other people. I can worry about mine. And I can leave it at that. But I really just don’t care about relationships anymore. I think most of them are a joke and if some dude wants to spend time with me and we have a good time and can talk and laugh and joke without the pressure of him wanting to make me his wife or his girlfriend or want to be controlling of me in some type of way, then I guess I’ve decided, I’d rather have that, because I already know that there is not someone out there for me. At least not one person to fill every need I have. And apparently, I’m needy. So I’ve decided recently that I don’t really care about the actions of other people. And I’m sure when I get out of this “phase” or mid-life crisis or whatever it is, I will possibly hate myself or incur some bad Karma points, but for right now, unboyfriend and Mr. Someone Else’s Husband make me happy, occupy my time, and keep me entertained.
And if I’m being honest, I’m adding a new guy to the mix. I guess we will call him Laundromat guy since that’s where I met him… quite a while ago. We finally exchanged numbers and we are supposed to go out this weekend and do something, but, he too, is probably emotionally unavailable or else he’s on the other end of the spectrum and is looking to find a new wife after being married for most of his adult life. But like I said, I don’t care either way. At this point, I’m just trying to be entertained. And I think my conscience has taken a backseat for a while. Maybe it will come back, but until then, I’m full speed ahead on this highway to hell…
RouletteWeekend 