Sometimes I Pay to Be Duped

Every now and again, something happens that makes me think the universe is giving me signs. Today, I got a message on Instagram from a “psychic” telling me that my aura is amazing and she would love to give me a reading. And for today only, they are on sale. I was intrigued. I’ve been doing a lot of meditation and I was told I’d have a surprise today if I was doing it right so I thought maybe this was my surprise. I’ve had readings before. Quite a few. Some were really good and some were bottom of the barrel readings.

Flea Market Guy got me a reading for my birthday. I think it cost about $60 and it was a pretty good reading. I wouldn’t say great, but I’d go back. I had one that cost me $25 at a wellness fair and it was a garbage reading. So when this lady told me that she would give me a reading over the phone for $10, I thought to myself, “I have $10 and I’ve only laughed once today. This should be fun.” So I sent her $10 and waited for her to call.

I actually thought she was going to just take my $10 and keep trucking, but she actually called me, so that was good. Then she read my “cards” to me. I don’t know if there is some “tarot reading class” that these women go to that make them all talk the same way that sound like none of their sentences have periods. Maybe they all have question marks or a question mark and an exclamation point at the same time. But I’ve gone to quite a few tarot readers who have this “tarot speak” and I find it annoying. Just talk to me in real sentences, please.

I was told today that I have lived many lives. I already knew that. I’ve been told that I was a mermaid in one of my past lives and I’ve been told I was a healer in my past life. Obviously those were two different past lives. I think mermaids and healers are on two opposite ends of the spectrum.

One thing that all the good scam tarot readers have in common is their propensity to ALWAYS tell you how your love life is in shambles. I guess I am the exception to the rule when it comes to tarot. I’m sure a lot of people go to a tarot reader to find out “does he love me?” I’ve never wanted to know about my love life. Except for that one time I was going on a cruise and wanted to have a one night stand with Ky-Mani Marley. It didn’t happen. But my tarot didn’t say it would. It just said that I would meet him and I did.

My tarot reader today went on to tell me that my chakras were all blocked and I was surrounded by negativity and my love life had no happiness in it. She said “he cares for you very much but his temper is short. It only lasts 20 minutes or so but he gets very angry very quickly.” There’s the $10 laugh I was looking for. I don’t think FMG knows the meaning of temper. She also told me that very many people are jealous of me and smile to my face but talk bad about me behind my back, which I also did not believe for one second. Everybody loves me, right? Well, except maybe Flea Market Guy’s ex girlfriends, but I am well aware of their disdain for me. She also told me that I don’t sleep well at night and I toss and turn. It was like she was reading my tarot cards backwards or something. Then, after I told her that I meditate every day and practice mindfulness and I do believe that my chakras are in perfect harmony along with being very wide open (she said they were closed, especially my heart and third eye chakra) she said that the cards don’t lie and she wanted to help me clear out the negative energy from my life. And to do that, she was going to light 3 white candles for me. Three 6 foot tall white candles to tell her about my past (apparently I died very young in my immediate past life, hence all the negative energy), my present (where my boyfriend yells at me but “cares very much for me.”) and my future (where I cannot work for others, but I have people working for me). And all of this for only $300. The candles aren’t free. They cost her $100 per candle. And she has a money back guarantee that if every day for the rest of my life after she burns these candles is not a good day, she will refund my money.

I’m not sure what kind of person hands over that kind of money to a stranger. I know that there are plenty of people who wouldn’t hand over $10 to a stranger, but I’ve paid way more for crazier things (like rattlesnake ribs and coffin nails from Russia) so $10 for a glimpse into my imaginary present and future seemed relatively reasonable.

After I told her I was not going to pay $300 for the candles she tried to scare tactic me by saying, “so you just want to keep all that bad luck and negative energy in your life?” And, of course, I told her, yes. I do want to keep it. I’m attached to it. So she quickly finished the phone call by telling me that my colors were red for love, yellow for something else, maybe joy, and green for money. I believed that part. That was literally the most believable thing she said to me during the whole call.

Needless to say, I don’t really need a tarot card to tell me that my love life is grand and I’m full of positive energy and my heart is opened to the universe and all my chakras are in line. I already know all of that, but I do wish that those who do not have the gift for tarot reading would not spoil it for those that do because not everyone is as forgiving as me or even willing to try something again if they were burned the first time and I love tarot readings when they are well done and not to trying to make an extra $300 on imaginary candles. I tried to find them online (the candles) and I couldn’t so they either don’t exist or I have forgotten how to use Google.

For good measure, I may light my own white candles just in case there is negativity… from the turkey feet.

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