I’m a Hero in the Worst Possible Way

I love the fact that 2 out of 3 of my kids are grown and living on their own. I also love that they feel comfortable drunk calling me at all hours of the night, whether for a ride or just to ask me a question. I recently received a call from my daughter. She’s 22.

She said, “Mom, we were talking about sex and I need to know how many men you’ve slept with?”

Excuse Me? Um…. How about let’s not talk about that is what I was thinking. What I said was, “Why do you need to know this?”

She told me she had people over and they had a bet. She said she thought my number was 288. She said she did the math and if I had sex with one person a month (I didn’t)  from the time I was seventeen when I got pregnant with her and now,  that would be 288. Of course, she said she was taking into consideration the long term relationships I had been in, but she assured me that the rebound sex that no doubt happened after each break up made up for all the monogamy. Then she continued to poke and prod me for a true or false because I think she had bet money on it.

I didn’t really know what to say, because in all actuality, when I am asked that question, one of two things happens. Thing one: I lie. Thing two: I say, “That’s really none of your fucking business. My gynecologist doesn’t even know my real number and he knows my vagina better than anyone.” But she kept on. She must have had some serious money riding on this. Finally, I said, “If I say ‘yes’ will you win your bet?” She said that she would, so I told her “Yes, that’s probably close. I stopped counting a long time ago.” And then I apologized for being a slut. But she was so proud of me and said that I was the reason that she was a feminist.

Apparently, my sex life proved that women can be just as sexually assertive (yes, that’s my politically correct word for whorish) as a man and still be a lady. And then I chuckled because so many men have said that I look sweet and angelic. Even though I have three kids by three different dads, they still, for some reason, imagine me as a virgin. But I guess men always want the woman they are with to be a virgin or at least close to it. And that is rarely ever the case, but we know that, right ladies? My point is, who cares? If your number is more than 288, you are not alone. If your number is less than 288, you are still not alone. Who knows, you may just be a hero!

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