RouletteWeekend

It finally happened yesterday. All those little things adding up to finally overflow the bucket of emotions. I don’t really remember when I lost my ability to cry for no good reason. There was a time in my life when I would cry at Hallmark commercials, I would cry in the first 5 minutes of watching the notebook because I knew what was going to happen. Now, my emotions are stuck in the concrete of my soul. I used to think maybe they were waiting to get out, but, yesterday proved they don’t want to come out unless it is in a fit of unsupervised rage.

I lost my shit yesterday because of a trash can. It wasn’t so much the trash can as it was that the dogs had gotten in the trash can the night before. I was in bed or sleeping. Will stays up later than me and he saw the mess and still decided that going to bed and dealing with it in the morning was the right answer.

Just to be clear, that is NEVER the right answer. Of course, he was already up when I walked into the room and saw it. I was so mad. I’ve been mad a lot lately. Mad to the point where my brain cannot even process words. I just get silent. Eventually, I talk myself off the ledge, take a few deep breaths, maybe over eat some chocolate and get on with my day. Yesterday, I found it nearly impossible to get back on track. I was so pissed, I left the house, without my phone and drove to a park nearby. Hearing my wise daughter’s words, go for a walk, talk to a tree, it’s better than therapy…or something along those lines. So I walked. I explored a trail that I had been wanting to check out and it did not disappoint. Again, didn’t have my phone, so no pictures. Next time.

After that, I drove some more. First to a donut shop to get a creme filled chocolate frosted, then downtown to walk around, then I landed at a nail salon…in my tennis shoes, and got a pedicure that I inevitably messed up by putting my shoes back on too soon. I thought after that I was ready to come home. And I did, momentarily, but then Will said something in that tone he has that gets all the way under my skin and I left again. I just could not stay in this house yesterday. I got in my car and before I hit the main road, I was crying. Not like normal, cute, one tiny tear running down my face, but all out ugly crying, hyperventilating, and then out of nowhere, this scream, loud, gutteral, voice stealing. And then a few more years and I was done. I kept driving and driving thinking of where I could go to just take a nap and nothing came to mind. One sister lived too far and I’d have to explain my mood. Another sister was at work and I would have had to stop in for the key…and explain my mood. My son might have been home but the last thing a kid wants to see is their mom losing their shit. Plus, they saw that enough as kids. So, I finally decided that I live here, in this house and this is where I should be taking my nap. So I came home, laid down for about 20 minutes unable to fall asleep and then took a shower.

Sark, the author, once said about children, “when they are crabby, put them in water.” The same is true for adults. There’s not much a shower, a bath, a dip in the ocean, a swim in the lake won’t fix, at least temporarily. And it worked.

Will and I went out to a late lunch and talked it all out and I felt better. Good enough to fall asleep by 8:30 and not move one inch all night.

Next week, we have our appointment with the Pat Summit Foundation. I’m hopeful they will give us some kind of diagnosis for Will’s mom. I’m more hopeful they will give us some resources on how to navigate this whole situation…the daily schedule, the moods, the repeated stories, the “illnesses” that pop up when she gets confused, but really, I just want to know how to navigate our relationship through all of this without throwing in the towel.