He Saws Logs for Chipmunks *

I was talking to bachelor #3 last night. He was supposed to be going to work at 9pm but at the last minute his boss decided to give everyone the night off so I asked him if he wanted to hang out which goes against most of my rules but I recently decided to fuck the rules because the rules keep fucking me. So no rules this time around or I’ll make new ones as they are necessary. He takes me up on my offer to hang out at the last minute and totally gets cool points for that because even if he had something planned (and I think he did), he came and got me anyway. So we end up over his friends’ house and he invites me in to meet them. And it’s a house full of women. And liquor. So we have some drinks. Have some laughs. The girls were just pre-partying before going out so we weren’t there very long before they left and he and I were sitting in his car talking. And talking. And talking. And then I had to pee. So instead of saying, “hey, will you take me somewhere to pee?” I say, “do you have a napkin in here?” Because I was just going to hop out of the car and pee. Did I mention there was alcohol? Since he’s so smart, he says, “I live around the corner, you can pee there.” And I’m thinking to myself “ok, I’ll go to your house but for the record, I’m wearing this morning’s vagina because I didn’t shower before going out and ineffective crystal deodorant on my super hairy pits so good luck trying to undress me on our second meeting.”
We get to his house, I use the bathroom and his house is so comfortable. It’s not bachelor OCD clean. It’s a little disheveled and lived in. It was nice. At that point it’s clear we aren’t going anywhere else, but it’s ok because it seems that we are not very productive together. We get to talking and we slowly start standing still. That’s also nice. So there’s a little make out session that starts and I’m just so happy to actually be kissed (because the last guy I was sleeping with was not a kisser). So we are kissing in between scenes of The Revenant. Super romantic. I won’t spoil the movie for you but that was sarcasm. And that was as far as it went. He didn’t try to seduce me. I think he was just showing me that he was a damn good kisser. So there’s that. I started falling asleep on his couch. This is the part where I should have asked him to take me home but I was tipsy and tired and I just wanted sleep. So instead I say, “Do you have a bed?” He says “yes” and we go into the bedroom and his bed is piled up with laundry and he’s just sweeping it off and I like him even more because that’s some shit I would do. Actually, I would have just moved it all to one side and told him to pretend it’s a twin size bed.
And then we went to sleep. Well, he did. I didn’t. Because he snores. Not like sleep apnea snoring just like exhausted person snoring. He was sawing logs for chipmunks. Not super sized logs. And it didn’t even matter that snoring is one of my deal breakers (that’s a whole other blog), because he’s sweet and smart and can kiss and carry a conversation. We are supposed to go on our second official date tomorrow so I’ll keep you posted. Yay Bachelor #3!

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