Never Underestimate the Power of a Good Amphetamine

I don’t know why they call Trazadone mother’s little helper. They should give that name to Adderall. I’ve worked 10 days straight or so and I finally had a day off yesterday. When I woke up and looked at my house, I thought to myself, “you, my dear, are a fucking slob.” I actually didn’t think it to myself so much as I mumbled it out loud while looking at piles of dust and dog hair that had collected in the corners. Now, let me preface this by saying that I do not typically do drugs. I don’t smoke pot. I’ve never done anything hardcore except those two times I did ecstasy when I was in my 20s and I only did it twice because the first time it backfired, but that’s a whole other story. But I seem to have a small love affair with this magical little pill.  I know why college kids love it and pay top dollar for it. I don’t know why they crush it up and snort it, but I never was one of the cool kids. Long story short, I have a friend with ADD and she had given me an Adderall because I find I am my most productive self when I have one. And I never really want one until days like yesterday when I wake up and realize that shit has gotten out of hand and I need to clean. When I don’t have Adderall and try to clean, I’m  like a bee flying from flower to flower except I’m forgetting to get pollen. I’m mostly just walking back and forth noticing what needs to be done, starting it, moving to another room, noticing something else that needs to be done, starting it, moving to another room, noticing something else, do you see where I’m going with this? It is complete chaos and totally unproductive.

I’ve never been a good housekeeper. I didn’t grow up with parents who made me clean up after myself. I grew up with a mom who tried to be Supermom and pick up after four lazy entitled children. So when I had kids at seventeen, I guess I was still lazy and entitled and I never quite figured out how it was supposed to work, so I just let my house get to the point where I couldn’t stand it anymore and then it’s overwhelming and I need a little help.

Enter Adderall.

Now I’m not saying you should go around drug seeking. What I am saying is that you most likely have a friend who takes the magic little pill or a friend whose kid takes it and they should have one to spare. And you should totally try it if you have trouble focusing. I only take one, once in a blue moon. People who take it regularly seem to have irritability issues as a side effect and I don’t need that in my life. It also curbs your hunger, and I like to eat so I could never take it daily. On top of that, I don’t have an addictive personality, so if you do, maybe refrain from taking my terrible advice. But, if you need to take a good poop and clean your house, it’s totally worth trying to score one. There’s nothing like waking up to a clean house even if you do have to break the law to get a schedule two narcotic that was not prescribed to you.

You can thank me later……or write me from jail.

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