Colonic Disappointment

I started a fourteen day colon cleanse a few days ago, maybe five by now. I’m not really counting. I just figure I’ll know I’m done when the bottle is empty. Although I did accidentally take Ashwaganda one night instead of two of the other pills I was supposed to take because the bottles somehow got swapped. Needless to say, I had a really well-balanced stress free poop that night and now I’m going to finish one bottle two pills early. I’m a little disappointed in this cleanse. I was expecting at least a couple days of explosive diarrhea. Remember, because I was going to not have sex for the 14 days I was cleansing because I didn’t want to have any “accidents”? But there was no explosive diarrhea. There was nothing. It’s a super gentle cleanse. Damn you and your natural products, CVS!

I know it sounds crazy to wish for your colon cleanse to be a little less gentle and more explosive, but I just want to feel like it is working. I can kind of tell it’s working because I am definitely “going” more, but it definitely didn’t make me not have sex due to fear of the unthinkable. But I promised my daughter there would be no sex in this blog. No butt sex. No regular sex. No sex at all. So come back tomorrow if you want to read about sex. And this cleanse didn’t really come with any directions besides, here’s two bottles. Take two pills from bottle one, take two pills from bottle two and swallow them with 8ounces of water at breakfast and at dinner.

And these pills are huge! I don’t usually have a gag reflex (that’s not a sex reference), but, twice, I’ve gotten a little gaggy attempting to swallow these pills. And 8ounces of water? They should have specified that you need 8 ounces of water PER PILL. The method they should have recommended:  You need to take a drink of water to wet your whistle, then throw the pill in your mouth, take another drink to get the pill down, and another because your first attempt failed, and then you have to guzzle the rest of the 8 ounces because the Vienna sausage sized pill is stuck in your throat and you can feel it doing summersaults all the way down. And then repeat three more times. I have easily guzzled a 32oz mason jar full of water more than once while doing this cleanse. And the directions did say to increase your fluid intake. It did not mention that your fluid intake would be increased inevitably to avoid choking.

Despite the death pills, I do feel like I am feeling better overall. I had been having a small dull pain in the right side of my abdomen on and off for a while. It has completely disappeared. Maybe I just needed a good poop. Or lots of them. And I feel less bloated and more energetic. Not Adderall energetic, but a little more than usual. And I think I’ve lost a few pounds, but I don’t know for sure because I don’t own a scale or ever step on one.

Here’s where things get a little weird. I mentioned that I was doing a colon cleanse to someone. I don’t know if colon  cleansing is on the list of “things we don’t talk about” or not,  because I threw that list away the day I started this blog, but I mentioned it to my sister’s friend.  And she said, “If you see any pinworms, take a picture for me.” I don’t know if I would actually send someone a picture of my crap. I didn’t even ponder using one for the picture to this blog. You’re welcome. Since she said that , though,  from day one, I have been staring intently for a lot longer than necessary at my shit looking for worms. Apparently we all have them. Mine are either microscopic or they are still trying to hang on for dear life in my intestines, but I’m keeping a close eye on it while giving myself a pep talk that when the time comes, I will be able to send a picture of my worm riddled poop to my sister’s friend. After all, taking a picture of my own worm infested feces is way less demented than requesting a picture of someone else’s worm infested feces, isn’t it?

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