Farmers Only….Dot Com

First, my friend Crystal tells me that I need to try to go two weeks without sex, because she thinks I have a problem. I think my ability to have a decent amount of sex is actually no problem at all, but I gave her suggestion a try. Twice. And I failed. I’m not cut out for abstinence. Some people are. Some people aren’t.

Then she had the brilliant idea that I needed to meet a nice country boy. She said, “You haven’t seen the commercial for farmers only dot com?” (She sang the jingle here).

Me: “No, I have not seen that commercial.”

So she goes on to tell me that it’s a site for farmers. Obviously.

Her: “You can meet a nice country guy. A farmer.”

And I’m like, “Are there any black farmers?”

And she says, “Yea, of course. There’s black country singers.”

Me: “There’s one black country singer. And he’s married.”

Her: “What do have against white guys? There’s probably some Mexicans on there.”

Me: “Nothing. I was just asking.”

So I go to the site and sign up. I’m talking on the phone with Crystal as I make the profile and it’s short and sweet and to the point.

“I’m not a farmer, but I like gardening and good organic food.” And there may have been something else, but I forgot. It was short, though. I would never have a profile that short. I like people to have to work for my attention on a dating site. I like to put in little comments that lets me know if they read the whole thing before I even respond. For example, one time I put, “please do not just send me a message that says ‘hi’ or ‘hey.’ So all the messages I got that just said ‘hi’ or ‘hey’ went straight to the trash because I knew they didn’t read it or they did and they were fucking smart asses. And no relationship needs two of those.

So I get the profile made and I immediately got a few messages or “flirts,” but here’s the kicker, you can only reply to those who are paid members unless you yourself are a paid member. It’s like $10.99 a month or something. I don’t like to pay for online dating. I did it once on, because I thought if people were paying they were serious, but guess what? I was wrong like I am about a lot of stuff.

So I got two messages from paid members. I only responded to one. Also, there is “a dozen roses for you” feature that this site offers, apparently, and you can send someone a “dozen roses” possibly once a day? Maybe you have to pay for them. I don’t really know. So here is the conversation that happened. This pretty much sums up most of my online dating experiences. All words in parenthesis are my thoughts at the time of receiving said message.

Day 1:

Him: You have the nicest smile. (Real Original)

Him: A dozen roses for you

Me: Thank you

Him: You are very welcome. How is your evening going? I’m … , nice to meet you. How long have you been on this site? Do you fish or possibly shoot pool? Hope you to hear back from you. Have a good night….I will be up a bit if you would like to chat.

Take Care     (Your pictures look like you just left Jared from Subway’s house. Let me think about this)

Him: May I ask you a question….? It is kind of a “Strange Connection Question”. (Still thinking)

Day 2:

Me: sure. go ahead and ask

Him: Do you like to wear jeans and if so what are your favorites and favorite brand. I will tell you why I asked that when you reply. Forgive me if I have offended you.   Hope to heat from you soon. Have a great day….. (Asking about my jeans does not offend me, shithead, who gets offended by that?)

Me: I love wearing jeans. They are my preferred wardrobe. My two favorite pairs at the moment are a pair of tattered LEI’s and a not so tattered pair of Levi’s. Now I’m curious as to why you asked.

Him: I asked that question because I like the way ladies look in Levis because it is “kind of” an attitude nice but tough. That is what I want in a woman. There is a little more to it but I will not go into that until we chat a bit and get to know each other. I hope you would like to. How is your day going? Hope to hear back from you soon.. (Oh, I have an attitude alright and it is not because of my jeans, genes maybe, but not jeans, but I’ll be nice)

Me: My day is going good. I’m getting ready to go to work. I work until 9pm. How is your day going? What do you do?

Him: I am doing alright, having a hard time getting motivated though/lol. I am Retired Navy and Draw 60% Disability and that takes care of everything. I can go and come as I please even though I am contemplating getting a part time job at some point. But, I am taking Guitar Lessons, Read, Clean Up and get out and do/see things. When do you have to leave for work

Me: I’m supposed to be leaving in a few minutes but I started watching this movie about Herman Melville and the Moby Dick story and I want to finish it.

Him: That is cool, I love the water and two of my favorite animals are Crocodiles and Sharks (love Sharks). Shark week coming soon :))) on Discovery. I like old movies too…very cool. Do you like history and exploring like old towns, battlefields and stuff like that? (Moby Dick was a whale, dickweed, not a shark. When is Moby Dick week?) 

Him: You might like my Hobby, would you like me to tell you? (Is your hobby offering candy to children?)

Him: I hope I haven’t offended you or driven you off. I want to be up-front and try to show you me. What other things do you like to do. My Mom loved gardening and flowers. She died back in 2009 and it is just my Sister and I…hope we are rolling and I hear back from you soon.

Him: I will go ahead and tell you about my Hobby. I have been seriously investigating “The Paranormal” since 1997. I was on several teams on the West Coast when I wasn’t doing “The Navy Thing”. I do hope to hear from you again. (Paranormal? Good maybe you could talk my ghost into cleaning the house while I’m at work)

Him: Hello, how was your day and work?   Hope everything went well. Hope to hear from you soon.

Him: A dozen roses for you

Him: Thought I would send you some more flowers :)). Have a great day!!! Keep Smiling :)))  (Virtual flower words. Not even a visual. I think on plenty of fish you at least get a picture of flowers. Maybe it’s the thought that counts? Fucking farmers)

Day 3:

Him: Good morning………how is the day going so far? Did you finish watching your movie yesterday?  Have a great day what is your name? (And then I started to feel bad because he is a persistent little fucker)

Me: Hey. My day is going well. It’s been a little busy. I’m off today so I play catch up on my days off. I am going to see Kevin Smith tonight with my brother. I am very excited about that. Do you know who he is? My name is Angie by the way.

Him: Hey Angie, no I have never heard of Kevin Smith. You are the second one within 24 hours to tell me about an “Artist or Artists” that they like. My cousin Scott told me about a “Folk Band” I might like. What did you think about my Hobby?  (Never heard of Kevin Smith? What do I think of your hobby? I think you should add googling to it so you won’t be a douchenugget forever and quit using quotation marks randomly while you’re at it)

Everyone knows who Kevin Smith is. If you don’t, go google him now and watch a movie or two. Or don’t and join the rest of the douchenuggets.

(Now I know for sure I don’t need to message him back)

Him: Do you know who Mark Cohen is? He sang that song “Walking in Memphis”? What kind of music does Kevin Smith play? I’m sorry, is he a musician? (No, he’s not a fucking musician, Farmer Boy)

Him: Is Kevin Smith a Comedian? I just looked him up and there were several Kevin Smiths… (Shoot me now)

Him: Hey Angie, are you still here? I have another question for you…… (No, sir, no more questions)

Him: Hey Angie, are you still here? (No, Sherlock, I am not)

Him: Well, thought I might hear back from you.(You thought wrong) I had a question about your love of “organic healthy food”. Have a great time tonight and hope you want to chat some more and maybe have dinner sometime. (In North Carolina? Do you even know where I live, quotation boy?)

Him: Hey Angie, have you left yet. Give me a shout when you get home if you can….again, have a great time! :)) (I’m busy getting ready for Kevin Smith the singer. He’s doing a comedy show)

Day 4:

Him: Hey You, how was your night out with your Brother? Did you have a good time? Hope to hear from you soon

Him: Angie, did I say or do anything to upset you? If I did, I apologize. Hope you are having a good evening… (Oh my goodness. Yes, you messaged me incessantly. Stop apologizing for me ignoring you)

Him: A dozen roses for you (I don’t like the way these alphabetical flowers smell)

Day 5:

Him: Hey Angie, how are things with you this afternoon? What are you doing today?   Hope to hear back from you soon…. (Keep hoping farmer boy)

Him: Angie, I have to ask because I love organic food too and fresh vegetables but, do you like steak or hamburgers, ham…..stuff like that. I love my crock pot and to grill….:))). Hope you are doing ok today…. (I do not like cows in a crock pot or otherwise, sir)

Him: Hey Angie, do you wanna keep talking? I am hoping you have just been busy and I haven’t done anything to chase you away. I feel like we could talk for hours. Hope your day is going good… (You could talk for hours. You have. How much money do I need to send you to buy a clue?)

Day 6:

Profile Deleted. You, sir, are no farmer.

And that was my whole experience. They should call it, because it was basically just a bunch of city folk who probably just listened to their friend when their friend said, “you need to find a nice country guy or girl.” And this, dear readers, is why I usually just stick with what I know and have a hard time trying new things. 



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