The Douchebag’s Guide to Pick Up Lines

I often wonder if there is some sort of guidebook that single men are looking at in the doctor’s office or while getting their oil changed or if it is just casual barber shop conversation that gives them all the brilliant idea to use a universal line when a woman makes a statement.

If you’ve been keeping up, you know I’ve been using Tinder lately. Well, I was using it, but like every other dating site, the novelty wore off after a few days and I deleted it. Tinder actually lasted a week, which was a record for me. I gave a few people my number and a couple are still texting me. Still not TK the DJ who I am still pining over, but life goes on. I’m not sure if I miss his face or if I miss my favorite water bottle that I left in his car. Probably a little of both.

Anyways, what I have noticed is that guys always use the same tired old lines. It’s like they’ve been programmed into their heads to use these “clever” lines and I find myself having to wrestle with my inner smart ass every time one surfaces. Today, I got a good morning text. That was nice. Followed by a what are you doing text. I worked from 7:30am to 9pm last night and it was not even 9am, so of course my response was, “I’m still laying in bed.” I just gave this guy my number approximately two days ago and we’ve only texted sparingly so when he replied, “I wish I was laying next to you,” I didn’t even know what to say. Some of the things I wanted to say included but were not limited to:

“Give me a break.”

“I wish you were here too so you could cook me something to eat cause I’m starving.”

“I wish you would go fuck yourself.”

“Did you really just say that?”

“Does that line ever work?”

“Goodbye, weirdo.”

And so many more. I was actually talking out loud to myself and it was confusing the hell out of my dogs on the other side of my bedroom door. They were jumping on the door trying to get in. I guess they could hear the irritation in my voice and wanted to correct the situation.

I eventually just responded, “hahah” and went and made myself some breakfast.

But it just amuses me so that men use this particular line. I guess I lay in bed a lot because I’ve heard this infamous line way more than once and I’m sure there are some women who use these lines and maybe even this exact line, but whenever I have ever used a line, I was actually making fun of people who use lines, but “I wish I was laying next to you” is at least in the top five. It’s not even that I despise the line in general. I think it’s a fine line. A fine sentiment…. if you’ve ever met me or if you’ve ever actually been in my bed before, but you can’t just say you want to be in laying in bed with a woman before you have ever met her in person or know her last name or favorite color or, I don’t know, the address so you could get in the bed. How do you even know you would like it in my bed? What if the only time I fart is when I’m laying bed? What if you think it’s annoying that I rub my feet together like a kitten to get comfortable? It just seems a little premature. To me, saying a line like that is the equivalent of me saying to a guy, on our first date, “I think we would make really pretty babies.” Maybe from now on, when a guy uses that line on me, I will respond by saying something along the lines of “yes, come lay with me, let’s make a baby.” I think that would probably take care of any more unwanted texts. Unless it backfired on me like that time I shaved all my hair off thinking it would repel men, but it did the opposite.

I don’t know. I don’t think I will ever understand dating. I’m seriously getting over it. I’m a little sad that I’m too old for an arranged marriage and also that my mother’s judgment probably couldn’t be trusted to pick a suitable mate for me. So I guess I’m currently done with dating sites for now. You all know I’m dating bipolar anyway. One minute I hate it, the next it’s not so bad. But I’m currently on a dating site strike. I have no profiles up anywhere. I have a few people still texting me from Tinder, but not the one I want to be texting me. Sigh…. And I met someone the old fashioned way, out in the real world, and he now has my number, so maybe he hasn’t read the book of terrible pick lines.

I think I just get bored. When I have stuff to do, I couldn’t care less about having a man around. I haven’t even really thought about sex in three weeks. Except for the night with TK the DJ. Ok, well maybe I’ve thought about it a time or two since then, but that’s just because I wanted to do dirty things to him that we shall not speak of, but things don’t always work out in real life like they do in your head.

If only there was a pill for people who are dating bipolar not to be confused with people who are bipolar and dating. I think I know what I want and then I reevaluate and rethink it and it seems like that’s not what I wanted at all so it’s no wonder I can’t find what I’m looking for. I either need someone dating bipolar like myself or I guess I’ll just go on dating guys who use The Douchebag’s Guide to Pick Up Lines and complain about it to you all. I really need to get my life together. Ugh!


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