Waiting It Out

Today was kind of bleh. I wasn’t even going to write today but I didn’t want to fall out of the habit. I woke up with what seems to be the beginning of a stye in my eye, but I can’t be sure. It hurts to touch it (so I’ve stopped touching it) and it’s a little swollen. I actually felt kind of like garbage when I woke up so I cleaned up a bit and then crawled back into bed until I had to get up and get ready for work at noon. I didn’t see Derek today. I actually didn’t even text with him much either. I’m not sure what’s going on there, but I’m just going to patiently wait it out and see. I was walking to work today because I left the house too late to catch the bus and if I waited for the next one I would have been late for work and I pride myself on being punctual so I was going to make the short walk there but out of nowhere City Guy (from a previous blog) showed up and asked me where I was going and offered me a ride. I haven’t seen him in well over a month. We didn’t have a falling out or anything, but like every other guy I’ve had in my life, I was just a convenience to him. He made plans with me on three separate occasions and each time something came up and plans got cancelled. Well, not even cancelled. He just left me sitting around waiting until it was too late and I said forget it. He’s called me a few times after that to see if I wanted to go for a motorcycle ride, but I was busy each time, plus I thought he would get the picture that I was not a convenience, but he didn’t. He started asking where I’ve been and why I’ve been scarce and I figured I would just spell it out for him. So I told him that every time he made plans, he broke them with no apologies and it wasn’t right for him to think that at the last minute I would jump to go riding with him, even though I do love riding. And then the craziest thing happened. He admitted that I was right. He even said it more than once. Not that I needed that validation because, to me, if I feel it, it is right in my mind, but it was refreshing to hear him say that I was making valid points and maybe that’s why he can’t keep a girlfriend and all that other stuff guys say when they are hoping to get some later. Anyway, I thanked him for the ride and went to work satisfied that I was right and a man finally admitted it. Like I said, I always think I’m right, but it’s rare that a guy says, you are absolutely right, that was all my fault. Not that it really matters because I’m not quite ready to give up on Derek just yet, although I am feeling pretty close. I know it’s sad. My coworker said I’m a runner. And maybe I am. I have never been in a relationship for more than two years. Three tops. I am not willing to say that they have all ended short because of me, but I guess if my arm was being twisted, I would admit that I did end the majority of them for one reason or another. One valid reason or another. And if this thing ends, it will be for a valid reason as well, but I am waiting it out and I’m not rushing in or out of anything. I actually don’t know what I’m doing at all. I’ve pretty much stopped thinking about it. And I’m just taking things at face value. I don’t even know how I feel at the moment. Well, I do know I feel tired. I’m mentally and physically tired and all the sun in the world is not currently helping me.

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