Crazytown Dreaming

I had a dream about unboyfriend last night. I would be lying if I said he never crosses my mind, but it’s usually when I’m walking by his place to catch the bus. I unblocked his number the other day. I don’t know why. I just did. In my dream, I had recently unblocked it as well and he sent me a text. I can’t remember exactly what it said, but it was just one word. Well, actually, it was something like “how you doing” but it was all smooshed together, and it was nothing he would ever say in real life. Seems like that should have tipped me off right from the beginning that it was a dream. I replied that I was fine. I was walking past his house because I had just gotten off the bus and I had a kid with me. It was crazy because it was Mel, my son, when he was about 2 years old. He’s 14 now. So unboyfriend walks out of his house with new girlfriend to talk to me. We sat in his car (another indication it was a dream because he has a truck) and girlfriend went into the store with one of his friends. It was one of those dream moments where we were one place and then blinked and were someplace else. Anyway, we sat in his car talking and he was telling me how much he loved this girl and had known her for a long time and they had seen each other off and on for quite a while. He didn’t want me to be mad and he still wanted to see Mel and he wanted me to meet the girlfriend because he was certain I would like her. And all I could do was sit in his car and cry hysterically while he watched and said nothing because he was saying all the things about her that I had wanted him to say about me. I finally gained my composure and was able to talk to him and we were civil and adult and I met his girlfriend and he was right, I did like her. Then he said again that he still wanted to see Mel and take care of him as if he were his and I didn’t fully agree or even understand but I did consider it. Then they all drove me and Mel back to my house around the corner and as I got out, he turned and kissed her and I could feel my heart breaking as I walked inside to make lunch for a little pint sized Mel.
And then I woke up thinking all kinds of what the fucks. I wanted to text him to see if everything was ok with him, but I didnt, because I don’t care. Obviously, I care and want things to be ok with him, but I don’t want to go back to our dysfunctional thing, not that I even think it would because I have Derek in my life, but I’m also not sure that it wouldn’t because I have a tendency to self sabotage. I looked back on my calendar because I was sure that six months had passed since I last saw unboyfriend, but as it turns out, it is just 2 months….tomorrow. I think we have hit the 2 month mark before without talking, but never the three month. I’m certain this time will be different. I don’t even know what prompted him to pop into my dream. I rarely even remember dreaming, but this one was so real, my heart had residual heartbreak when I woke up. And I could not get him out of my mind all day. I wanted so badly to text, but I kept talking myself out of it.  I’m sure there is somthing psychological to all of it, but I’m not an expert in psychology. If you are, I’d love to be psychoanalyzed and if you aren’t, now is your chance to pretend you are because the bizarre nature of this whole thing has me puzzled.

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