I Was So Confused 

I spent the night with my coworker (kind of ex boyfriend-ish person) last night. He’s the one I’ve mentioned a time or two, most recently when I walked in on him in bed with another woman and had a crying spell (because I love him in an inexplicable way) .  We are past it now. He kind of apologized (I think) and he vowed to never have a repeat of that situation. Both were unnecessary but I appreciated the sentiment. Also, let me preface by saying I didn’t go over for sex. Actually, no sex was even had. My therapist friend would be proud.  I went over because he had a long day and needed a massage (and I’m an awesome friend).  And I happen to be really good at massages but he also lives far enough away from me that I wasn’t going to drive home that late. Plus he’s comfortable like a favorite pair of shoes. And the craziest part about it is that we actually had a really nice time. We talked. We ate some pizza that all the toppings had slid off of before it was delivered. Not cool, Jets. Not cool. I gave him a massage. And then we laid down to go to sleep. I was very exhausted and in the midst of my desire for rest, he got very serious and starting talking about “us” and “things” and rambling on with feeling and I think I said something along the lines of “these are all the reasons we shouldn’t date…..(insert delirious word vomit here)” or “all the reasons I wouldn’t date you are (more word vomit).” I’m not actually sure because between my lack of sleep and my utter exhaustion and a small amount of Hennessy and the fact that it was way past my bedtime and the fact that he hasn’t been that nice or sincere to me since we met, I was terribly dazed and confused (not a Matthew McWhatshisname reference or marijuana reference). And I was even more confused after I slept on it and processed what I thought he was trying to say. If I didn’t know better, I would have thought he was trying to say he wanted to give “us” another shot (not as in a shot of liquor, but as in another chance). I told myself that it could not possibly be the case because I infuriate him (a lot) and vice versa. I challenge him. And to him, I think it’s both endearing and aggravating. And we have literally been like that since we met a year and a half ago. He’s so sweet when he wants to be. And he is even more sweet when he’s drinking (drunk man’s words, sober man’s thoughts and all that), but when he’s a dick, he’s a really big dick. In all fairness, that goes both ways. I have a gift for being a smartass. Probably because I’m super smart (that’s sarcasm) and have nothing to do with all that knowledge but to use it for evil and a good laugh. Like I was saying, I woke up very confused and when my alarm went off, I left and went home to feed the dogs and check on my sleeping kiddo before work. Then, of course, I saw him at work and maybe it wasn’t the most opportune moment to ask him what exactly he meant because I try (mostly unsuccessfully) to keep our personal and professional lives separate, but I asked anyway. I basically asked him if he was saying that he wanted me in a way that was more than friendship. He obviously remembered our conversation the night before way more clearly than I, because he seemed mad at me or hurt or something and he replied that he would get back to me. And then he didn’t speak to me for pretty much the rest of the day. I guess it’s true when they say no answer is also an answer, because I heard his silence loud and clear. Not that I could even tell you what I would have said or how I would have reacted if he had professed his love for me and offered to give me everything I ever wanted. Frankly, I’m perfectly ok admitting that it does, in fact, scare the crap out of me when I think I’ve met someone who would and could be all I ever wanted. It’s when that realization sets in that I start tying up my running shoes with Olympian speed. So maybe it’s for the best that he answered with no answer, because maybe I’m just not ready to have everything I want (as if people actually do that kind of thing).