I always knew I had mental problems, but the following realization might take the cake. I was riding in the car today as a passenger and it dawned on me that I am a terrible passenger. I’m nervous. More like actually fearful like when I watch a scary movie. I’ve never really been in a wreck except for when I was a kid, but I didn’t realize the extremity of my fear until I was holding my breath today as my boss flew around a curve. He may not even have been going all that fast, I was just perpetually on edge. I’m not really scared while driving so much as while passenger-ing. That’s most likely because, in my head, the driver always lives. So I’m way more reluctant to be a passenger because statistically I will be fatally wounded. I have no real idea why I even feel that way, but I’m pretty sure it has something to do with the way my imagination runs wild while I am driving and especially when I am riding.
Sometimes when I’m driving on the interstate, my mind takes off in the direction of my death. Yesterday, I saw a car swerve to miss hitting something that was really nothing but, in my head, the car spun out of control and traffic came to a screeching halt before my car was in the midst of it and all of a sudden I was flying through the windshield in slow motion to my probably inevitable death. Today, I was driving behind a semi trailer that was carrying two more semi trailers stacked on top of one another when the strap broke and I could see the one on top slowly rolling towards me but I was going too fast to stop. As I slowed down the second one started rolling. By that time, the first one had rolled completely off and decapitated me. I don’t know why every time I drive, I see my imaginary death in every road hazard. It never happened when I rode the bus. And let’s face it, the chances of me being hit and killed while walking to the bus were probably ten times more likely than driving….maybe. I don’t think it’s because I’m a bad driver. I actually have no idea why that is. I am not typically a morbid person. I don’t like to look at dead bodies or even watch scary movies, but every time I drive, it turns into a scary movie in my head. I think maybe it is because my commute is so long, I have all the time in the world to daydream. I’m just not sure why I daydream about my untimely death.
Aside from imagining my own demise, nothing groundbreaking happened today on the Joe front. I did get a call back from the social services guy after making a call to the commissioner’s office. And I left a message with the doctor. Her machine said to give her 24 hours for a call back so I’ll be waiting impatiently for that call. But she will probably tell me the same thing that the social worker told me which was basically that he hasn’t improved and he hasn’t gotten worse. He did get his tracheotomy and his feeding tube. And he is “resting.” Aside from not getting the answers in the timely fashion that I want them, I will say that everyone I have talked to so far have been very nice and seem like they are trying to be helpful. The social worker is trying to get me a special visit. I’m hopeful that it will work out. So for now, I am just thinking all positive thought and I am praying….. a lot.