The Dark Side

It’s been really hard for me to think about writing the last week. I always try to keep this blog upbeat and positive and happy. I try to keep it real life, but real life isn’t always upbeat and positive and happy. As I sit here in a puddle of tears, I was so proud of myself yesterday for going all week without crying. I hadn’t shed a tear since Monday. I was positive. I was at peace. I had hope even when I was getting nowhere, which is where I’ve been getting quickly. I’ve been in contact with the prison about Joe. The previous few blogs were about that situation in case you missed it. I have called so many people trying to get an answer. The last answer that I got from Dr. Chester at the Medical prison was basically, “fuck you,” except what she actually said was, “you were his emergency contact. There is no longer an emergency. They don’t have to tell you anything because you aren’t his power of attorney or conservator. Plus we’ve contacted family and you’re not a blood relative.” And with little to no bedside manner, all I heard was “fuck you, Angie.” There is a chaplain there and at the prison his brother is in who have been literally Godsends, but, sadly, they can only do so much. I haven’t heard back from the Protection and Advocacy Center yet. I will call them this week to check on the status of things. I am awaiting a call from a lawyer about getting a conservatorship over Joe, but I won’t hear back for another week probably on that because it’s legal aid since I can’t afford to hire an attorney. I feel deflated today. I don’t feel like there is anyone I can call or talk to about this. Nobody wants to help, except for the chaplains who are limited in what they can do. It’s heartbreaking that they feel like his life doesn’t matter and that apparently nobody could possibly love or care about him, because that is exactly how they are treating this situation. I have a list of people to call Monday morning, which I guess will be today, as you are reading this. I did speak to his mother whom he hasn’t seen since he was a child and she was an angel. She said if there was anything she could do to help me get the conservatorship, she would. She said she would sign anything or talk to anyone. That was a blessing because it took me three hours to get the nerve to even call her. I didn’t know what to expect. Although, I should have known because her spirit is as beautiful as Joe’s and his brother’s. I’m not going to ramble on. I will say that I am going to keep writing about the things that are occupying my mind, but I probably won’t be sharing far and wide on my personal page like I had been. I will let it post and if you want to read it, you know where to find it. I have not had the energy to be on social media as extensively as I usually am, but writing is as important to me as air so I will continue to do that even if it is a little darker than what I usually write. I am trying my hardest to put on my happy face and act as if everything is fine, but daily I die a little more not knowing what is going on with him. I know to most it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but despite the time and distance, there has never been a love in my heart like the love I have for this man. I’ve loved him almost as long as I’ve loved my children and I’ve loved him just as much so I will fight for him the same exact way I would fight for any of them. And if it is occupying the majority of my days and my thoughts, then chances are it will be occupying the majority of this blog for a while. I am trying daily to stay positive and I’ve been wracking my brain about something to write, but currently this is my life. Work and Joe’s well being. So with that being said, we are currently still accepting prayers and if you happen to be friends with the governor, maybe have him give me a call or at the very least answer when I call him.