All or Nothing

It’s no big secret that I know a lot of people either in prison or who have been to prison. And I’ve always joked about people in prison finding Jesus.  I never really understood it and made jokes because that’s how I do when I’m uncomfortable or confused I guess. But I understand now. I think for some prison is the worst possible thing that could happen to a person and when you find yourself dealing with your darkest hour I think maybe you are either all in or all out religiously speaking. I have never been a really religious person. I’m spiritual. I meditate. I pray. I read many different religious texts. And like many, I take what I like from each one and put it to use in my daily life. I know that’s not how religion works. It’s not a take the best, leave the rest kind of deal. Or, at least, I guess that’s not how they intended it to be, but that’s my way of doing it and so far it has worked for me just fine. I grew up Catholic. I don’t believe in a lot of the things they believe in or I should say I don’t agree with a lot of the practices they believe in / don’t believe in, but it is still my comfort zone when I am in need. It’s not been often in my life that I have felt an actual need for God that was not being met. Like I said, I pray. I try my best to live in a way that hurts no one. I help people. I even help them after they’ve slighted me sometimes. I volunteer my time. I try to be an overall good person, but it’s been a rarity in my life where I have prayed for help. I’m more of a prayer of thanks kind of person. Of course, I’ve prayed for a winning lottery ticket a time or two or three or one hundred, but the good Lord knows what I need when I need it and provides it. Apparently I don’t need $6.5 million. But with this situation with Joe, I have felt helpless and partly alone except for when I am talking to Joe’s brother on the phone (and that costs a small fortune) so it only made sense that when I needed someone to talk to and a shoulder to cry on that I should go to God. Crying people make non-crying people uncomfortable. So I imagine crying people who never ever cry would make non-crying people super uncomfortable and I am not one to cry ever which means I’m also not one to put my non-crying friends in the position of having to console me. But, in what has been my darkest hour, I found myself, instead of turning away from God, turning to God. I felt like I had to be in a church. I know you can talk to God anywhere, but like medicine, when the home remedies don’t work, you have to pay a visit to the office. So I ended up on the steps of my local Catholic church because that is my security blanket. There is something about walking in and putting a finger in the holy water and making the sign of the cross and walking to a pew that, even though I used to find the monotony of it painful, it is where I turn when my soul is too weary for me to fix at home. And unlike many other churches, the Catholic church is always open. Well, at least on Sunday. You can walk in and be by yourself just like people do in the movies. And you can bawl your fucking eyes out in peace and unlike the movies, there is not a priest that comes and solves all your problems with some parable, they just let you be to do what you came to do, which for me was to cry and plead for a second miracle for Joe. And I did. And I felt better. And I woke up today with faith and trust that everything is going to work out the way it is supposed to. I hope tomorrow is as bright.

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