Social media is good when you want to be social. I’ve heard it referred to as your “highlight reel.” People put all the good stuff on there that they want people to see. I’m guilty of it. Though, my life has been mostly good since social media came about. I love sharing the things I love with the world. I love sharing my not so normal life with people through blog. I love sharing the human side of myself that people think I should hide or keep private. I feel that laying it all on the line without fear or regret is one of the things that makes me unique. The last two weeks, though, all I have had is fear and regret. I have bounced like a ping pong ball between utter despair and fake happiness. I don’t like faking it. And I don’t know how to deal all the emotions I am having right now. A part of me wants to retreat and hide out because I can’t take the “everything happens for a reason,” “they are just doing their jobs,” “maybe it’s time to say goodbye.” I know when you write and you put your life out in the world for people to comment on, that is exactly what they are going to do, but mentally, I am not able to deal with that right now. I went to bed last night with nothing to write about. Nothing positive. The only thing I had on my mind was the same questions I’ve had for the last week. Is he ok? Why aren’t they telling me anything? Why are they such assholes? What the fuck? Honestly, I don’t want to keep writing about those things. And those of you who check in everyday to see what’s happening in this little life of mine, thank you, I love you guys and appreciate you more than you know. And more than that, I appreciate the prayers. I have faith that they are working in their own way and that things will work out in its own time, but as I sit here feeling helpless, I want that time to go faster. I know that’s not how it works.
My point is, I am in a dark place right now and no matter how hard I try to be happy and airy and light, when I get home at night and I am by myself, I am haunted and stressed and I have nothing to write about. So I am taking a break. It will not be a long one and maybe I will still post every day, but if you come to look and there is no new blog, please just say a little prayer and give me some time to get through this, because I am having a really hard time and I just can’t muster up the energy to even attempt to fake being happy at the moment.
RouletteWeekend 