Dear Murderers, All You Need is a Boat

I got home from work the other day and I was super exhausted. I got in the house, immediately put on my sweat pants, stripped out of my bra, threw on my favorite tattered old Bob Marley t-shirt with the rip in the front that I have tied in a knot and decided that my day was done. Mel, my kiddo, decided that it was not. He wanted to go to his friend’s house and he didn’t want to ride his bike so he asked me if I would take him. I’ve not been very mom-of-the-year like since this whole Joe situation happened. Even when I’m home, I’ve been distracted and although I try to be my normal self, some days I fail miserably. I figured the least I could do was give the kid a ride to his friend’s house and pick him up in a few hours. I dropped him off and was heading home when I drove by my favorite spot at the river. And it was calling me, “Angie…. come sit, let’s talk, I miss you.” And I thought, I miss you too, River. So I pulled into the parking lot, kicked my shoes off in the car and walked to the little dock that I’ve taken many a nap on. I will admit that it’s not the safest part of the river to be hanging out at. There is probably rampant drug use and prostitution happening there after dark, but it was 5pm and darkness wasn’t coming for quite a few hours. I got to the dock, pulled my sweatpant legs up and put my feet in the water. I know the river is filthy, but it’s my thing. That’s what I do. Then I pulled my feet out and laid back and watched the clouds passing by. I guess I was lost in thought because I heard someone say, “Hey, someone take those keys and throw them in the water.” That’s what got my attention. I turned my head and a boat had mysteriously appeared beside me. A pontoon with two guys in it and two guys still standing outside of it. I turned around and I see the guy who made the key comment. And then I look next to me and realize he’s talking about my keys. So I tell him, “you wanna see a girl in sweat pants jump into the river like a flash of lightning, go ahead and toss those keys.” And then, “hahah” we chuckled. Then I invited myself on the boat. Of course, he said, “sure, come on.” But he thought I was joking. I wasn’t. I got on the boat, made myself comfortable and waited for the others to get in. The guy introduced himself to me and handed me his business card so I would know a.) he’s not a killer or b.) the name of my killer. At that point I wasn’t sure how it would end, but I’m a pretty good judge of vibrations. Not so much character, because we all know how my character judgment usually turns out, but they all seemed harmless enough. And quite frankly, not in great shape. I happen to be a really strong swimmer so I guessed I could outswim them if they did decide to rape and pillage me. So we were cruising on the river in a pontoon and the guy who owned the boat asked me if I was married, I said no. He asked me if I was single. I said, I guess. He asked me if I lived nearby. I said yes. He asked me if I liked guys. I said yes. He asked me if I liked girls. I said no. He asked me if I had kids. I said yes. Then he asked me if I was a single mom (which should have been fairly evident from the previous twenty questions, but….) I said yes. Then he came and sat next to me and told me he could take my kid shopping for clothes through some program he’s involved in and then I was slightly offended that he would think just because I live in the hood and was a single mom that I couldn’t afford to buy my kid clothes. I didn’t take into consideration that I probably looked homeless in my ripped t-shirt and bare feet.  Of course, I just entertained him because I was on his boat so I said, “that’d be cool,” not expanding on the fact that I don’t really let anyone around my kid because I’m the only permanent fixture in his life and everyone else is temporary and pointless. So we floated around in the river for a bit and turned around and they dropped me back off at the dock and I got in my car and went home.

It later dawned on me that I would, in fact, probably get into a boat with a murderer because I love the water so much. Actually, dude could have probably been wearing a Jason mask and holding a chainsaw and I would still be all like, “ooooh, a ride on your boat? Sure!! How long do you think we will be?” And he would be all like, (chainsaw revvvvving up)”we’ll be gone forever!!”(ch-ch-ch-ha-ha-ha). And I’d be like, “cool!” as I step on the boat and take my last breath. I keep thinking I am going to outgrow my impulsivity one day, but clearly that day has not come.

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