Honest to Blog

I watched a movie last night where this little girl started a blog. She wasn’t really a little girl, so much as a young woman, eighteen, with a slew of “issues” she was working through. She wrote it anonymously and changed her name and the names of all parties involved. She said that if she didn’t change those things, then she wouldn’t be completely honest with her readers because they would know who she was. It made me think about all the stuff I write about that I am completely honest about, which mostly include my feelings and world views, but a lot of times I do leave out little tidbits of personal information. Mostly boyfriend stuff because he doesn’t want me to talk about it and on some level I have to respect that. On another level, we have an unconventional relationship that we don’t fully understand yet, so it would be really hard to try and explain it to the world without everyone offering their opinions which I don’t really care to have because we have enough of each other’s opinions to do us in sometimes, we don’t need the rest of the world’s. But if I am going to be completely honest then, at some point, when we either succeed or fail and fall completely, I will rehash our relationship and the things that made us or broke us.

I also neglect talking about my unstable mental state at times. Not because I want to keep that a secret. More so because I don’t want to spread my negative energy around and I don’t always know how to put it in words. Sometimes I mention things like my Seasonal Affective Disorder, but other times, I just skirt around it and pretend that it doesn’t exist. So if I’m going to be honest, the last few weeks have been really hard. I’ve been depressed, angry, my moods have been up and down. It happens to me during the winter months a lot. I’ve been awful to my guy. I’ve had fits of rage. I’ve had bouts of tears. I wanted to die, but not kill myself because I’m a chicken, I just wanted to sleep and not wake up…ever. There have been a couple of times in my life where I’ve felt like this. I’ve been medicated with psychotropic drugs for it, but I didn’t like the way they made me feel so grey. They took the color out of my world and in my mind. At least when I was up, I had color and when I was down, I could feel the sadness of everything. On the drugs, there was nothing. I didn’t care about anything at all. I wasn’t happy, I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t able to feel anything. There was no color. And, to me, a world without color is not a world worth living in. So I went to my family doctor to have a physical and bloodwork done because aside from my anxiety, I don’t really have any other mental issues or at least I hadn’t previously. Turned out I was majorly deficient in the Vitamin B area. I guess a lot of people are. I started taking B12 vitamins and I slowly started feeling better. Apparently a B12 deficiency presents itself as depression, anxiety, bipolar disorder and numerous other psychotic episodes. Like I said, I started feeling better, and as most people do when they start feeling better, they stop doing the thing that keeps them well. For bipolar and depressed people, sometimes they stop taking their meds, for me, I stopped taking my B12 or I would just take it sporadically. I hadn’t taken any extra B vitamins in about six months. I had them at my house, but I always forgot or didn’t think about it until it was too late. When I recently spiraled out of control and I didn’t know what the fuck was happening, a nagging little voice in the back of my head reminded me that this is what I act like when my B12 is low or nonexistent. So I started taking it again about two weeks ago. I’ve been taking a B vitamin complex, a straight B12, and a couple times a week, I will get a five hour energy because that baby is jam packed with B vitamins, plus, I’m a fan of the man who started the company and uses the proceeds from sales to help give people clean drinking water, so there’s that. Anyway, my psychotic episode is over. I’m feeling particularly useful in life and I’ve got my alarm set every day to make sure I take my B vitamins so I don’t end up accidentally going postal on someone or ruining a relationship that truly means a lot to me. I know I’m not alone in dealing with my mental issues. I know a lot of people have issues they are dealing with especially this time of the year. And I guess if I’m going to continue to be honest as a writer, then I need to be completely honest all the time.

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