Butt Purge….

I had to take my mom to the gastroenterologist the other day. I’m sure she doesn’t want me to tell you about her butthole problems, so I won’t. But, long story short, she has to have a colonoscopy. I had to have one years ago for a reason that I am having trouble recalling now. Anyway, they give you that magic cleansing potion that you have to drink and then you basically have to spend the next 10-12 hours extremely close to the bathroom.  I know there is probably something terribly wrong with me, but the “cleanse” was amazing. I felt so good after it. So, while we are at my mom’s appointment, I asked the nurse if there was something over the counter that I could use to get the same results, because I’ve been slacking on my healthy way of eating over the last, oh, I don’t know, 9 months. I’ve been lacking nutrition, lacking balance, lacking vegetables (and I’m a vegetarian).  I’ve gained about 20 lbs. I’ve stopped walking my dogs. I’ve been depressed, blah, blah, blah.  So, “off the record” she told me I could drink a bottle of magnesium citrate in the morning and another for lunch if things weren’t “moving” by then.  I went to CVS and got my lemon lime citrate drink. Two bottles. And I took them home and refrigerated them.  Then I went to one of my favorite Mexican spots to have one last hurrah with cheese….a cheese quesadilla and a bowl of queso please…. and it was as delicious as it has ever been  Perfectly cooked. It was as if they knew today was my last fling with extra chees as  my quesadilla was super stuffed with colon clogging goodness. And I enjoyed every single cheesy bite. And then I basically binged for the next three days. I kept putting off the cleanse for one reason or another and eating… a bag of all natural Cheetos (as if that’s a thing), a box of tiny peanut butter no bake cookies (not to be confused with a tiny box of them), a bag of Spicy Nacho Doritos with French Onion dip, and two lemon cupcakes (there were four but I took a nap and my dog had eaten the other two). And then I washed it all down with enough water to drown a fish. As if the water would dilute all the poisons I had eaten.

Finally, I decided it was time. I had to clean out my guts. So I drank the Lemon Lime Magnesium Citrate and I waited. Remember last year when I did that CVS cleanse with their pills? I was so disappointed that it was so “mild.” Not this time. Holy shit… actually, it was more like unholy shit. It was like my butt was the exorcist except nobody would pay to see that movie. Or at least I don’t think so. Anyway, the citrate did it’s job. And I was so hungry all day, but I knew if I ate, things would be, oh, so much worse. Anyway, I’m feeling much lighter today and I’m ready to get back to my GMO free/ organic ways and to start walking my dogs again and get back to being me.

**As a side note: It’s probably not the most brilliant idea in the world to take your mom to the grocery store after having magnesium citrate for breakfast (thank me later)***

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