I swiped right on a guy who looked like a mix between Mark Walhburg and Donnie Wahlburg on Tinder. He could have actually been their little brother. And I immediately sent him a message when we matched that said, “Hey, anybody ever tell you, you look just like (fill in the blank to see if we are on the same page).” And then he replied that he gets that a lot. And it just kind of went from there. I think my wit, humor, and the fact that I’m not opposed to messaging first is why my Tinder inbox stays full.
So we chatted for a while and he invited me to the beach for a sunset and a beer. I accepted. I met him at the beach. He brought two chairs and a cooler with a few beers in it. I don’t usually drink beer but I politely chugged one just to be a lady, you know? And we watched the sunset and talked about life. We had a whole lot in common, actually. He was very sweet and maybe intimidated by me, which I really hate. I try so hard to be the opposite of intimidating, but for some reason (probably my really big brain), it never quite works out that way. Then he invited me back to his house for pizza, which was not code for anything but pizza, frozen pizza…. that had to be put in the oven and cooked for 20 minutes while I tried to hide the sound of my rumbling stomach. He even put all the meat on his side so I didn’t have to deal with it.
His house was really cute. Very bachelor-esque. Like, college bachelor, not grown up bachelor. No bed frames. Just box springs and mattresses on the floor. A shit ton of weights. Like, too many to count. More weights than furniture. And pretty much every vitamin supplement you could think of. And the majority of his food was organic. He was practically perfect. He opened my car door for me. He made me laugh. And then he tried to sleep with me after only knowing me for less than 3 hours and I was immediately not interested anymore.
I’m not saying that this is the first time it’s happened and it always turns me off. That’s not it. I think it was his approach. Because he was so sweet and timid. Don’t get me wrong, I like sweet and timid. I also like a man to be a man in certain areas. For instance, maybe get to know me well enough to know that I’m interested and then make a move. Don’t ask permission like a child with a cat… “excuse me, would it be ok if I pet your pussycat? Do you think you would like that?” Sigh…. I had such high hopes for Marky Mark up until that point. I mean, in all fairness to him, I do know what it means when a man asks you back to his place, but in my defense, I was just really hungry and he said pizza….
Anyway, I let him down gently because I could already tell that he was not probably experienced enough to rock my world and maybe that makes me a bitch, but I’m a bitch who knows what she wants (most of the time).