Relationship Fears and Facts

I may have mentioned this before but I love the beginning of love. I love the part of a new relationship where you are getting to know each other and you laugh together and you talk at dinner. I know there are people who are together for years that still laugh and talk together. I love those people. But, then there are those couples who I look at when I go out to eat, who are also out eating and just eating. They aren’t talking, laughing, or even looking at each other. Maybe some of that is just comfortable silence, but I always feel like they just don’t have anything to say to each other anymore. I’ve been in a few of those relationships. Actually, all of them have turned into that, which is why they end. I’m not saying I am expecting some fairy tale romance like the Disney movies, but I guess I am saying if I can’t have it like that, maybe I don’t want it. The difference between me and a lot of women, I think, is that I am perfectly content not being in a relationship. Actually, I am much happier alone and single than I am in a less than perfect relationship. I get miserable quickly when things get “blah.” I admit that it is selfish of me to feel that way. I know I can’t expect things to be perfect all the time, but I do expect them to be more perfect than imperfect. I do want the scales to be tipped in the right direction. I guess that’s why I’m OK with meeting new people. I’m OK with casual sex. I mean, I’m not hurting anyone by sleeping with various single men. Single men do it all the time and women are villainous if they choose to be free spirited. I’ve opted not to care what people think. Even when I write about it here, I sometimes get flack from family and friends for publicizing my personal life, but that’s exactly what this blog is about. It’s about an imperfect person, living an imperfect life, without secrets and without apologies. Of course I know that people may look down on me for writing all of this as I try to become a “serious” writer. I also know that any future relationship I have will undoubtedly be affected by some of these blogs if he chooses to go back and read all of them. The funny thing about that is, the guy who cares enough to go back and read them all is exactly the guy I want to be with the. I want to be with the guy who wants to know all my shit and ask me questions about it. I want to be with the guy who can’t get enough of me. I want to be with the guy who reads every single word I’ve ever written and supports me 100%. That’s exactly the guy I want to be with.  So, I guess, when and if that happens and he comes around, maybe then, I’ll settle down, but until then, I’m having way too much fun doing exactly what I want to do and exactly what makes me happy to even worry about explaining to everyone why I can’t just find a “nice” guy and settle down.