Blocking My Past

I wrote a poem recently. You may have read it  or seen the YouTube video, but it was about an old flame that had been reignited. Well, said flame and I continued to catch up on old times. It was nice. I was content. He kept turning things into sex talk and, of course, I played along. He has a girlfriend, which I don’t technically feel is my problem, since I wasn’t instigating the situation. Plus, it was easy to avoid the fact that she even existed, because he acted like she didn’t. Again, not my problem. Due to my new way of thinking, which may be flawed, which is if they aren’t married, AND they want to act like they are single, why should I be the one with a conscience? I know, it’s fucked up, right? I used to be such a decent person.

So old flame and I were talking every night he was at work. On and off for hours. I’m not going to lie, there were feelings there, but I’m full of feelings. I have feelings for everyone in one way or another.  I really think I could love 20 people at once…. or give the love for twenty people to one person. It really just depends on the situation. So we kept talking. And things kept getting more and more serious. Like, at one point, I really felt like if I asked him to pack up his life and move here to start one with me, that he may have just said yes.

But then decent me, that never really went anywhere, was like, “stupid, if he’ll do her that way, he’ll do you that way, despite what he says.” And also, she really loves him and she’s good to him and he’s happy with her. I am just a happy unresolved memory that he wants to explore. I’m his “what could have been.” And he was mine. We were 16. Well, I was 16, he was 19, but until this year, neither of us knew how old the other one was. But, in the big scheme of things, she exists, she loves him, and she doesn’t deserve anything but his love in return, and definitely not betrayal.

I could lose my decency if she wasn’t good to him or if they had problems or if she had cheated on him or any number of reasons that would make both of them miserable, but that was not the case at all. They had been together for four happy years. I would be a complete and utter asshole who deserves everything that Karma has to offer if I were to walk down that path, no matter how good it felt.

So I told him how I felt. I told him that I would never trust him even if we did give it a try because of how he had done her. I didn’t want to stop talking to him, but I also didn’t want to be the cause of her pain if she ever found out. Not that it was likely at all that she would, but it was not a risk I was willing to take. I’ve been that girl. I’ve been the girl to love the guy so much that the world couldn’t tell me he was wrong for me. I’ve loved someone so much that the only thing that made me come to my senses despite what everyone else said were the words, “you need to go to the health department because I was with someone else and I may have given you something.” Those are the sobering words that said he didn’t love me. Not the fact that everyone but me could tell. So I am not ever going to  be the woman who causes another woman pain.

So I told him that we should stop talking since the conversation always boomeranged back to “us,” which never really existed in the first place. He said that if we weren’t going to talk again, I would have to block him. He didn’t even get the second part of his message out before I hit the button. I didn’t want to hear what came next. I didn’t want to change my mind. I just blocked him. Completely. It’s been about two weeks now. I’m not gonna lie and say that I don’t miss talking to him, because I do. We talked about everything.  I’m not even going to say that they are going to live happily ever after now that I’m not in the picture. They may not, but I do know one thing, if they don’t get their happily ever after, it won’t have anything to do with me. My conscience and my Karma are clear on this matter. And although I loved him oh so long ago, she loves him now and she’s good at it. Probably better than I would ever be anyway, so despite my new “attitude,” I guess decency really is still in the cards for me.

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