How to Let Him Know You Like Him

So I made a joke the other day on Facebook. I said, I’m working on an article called “How to Let Him Know You Like Him,” so I can take my own advice. Then I laughed hysterically because I think I’m so fucking funny. Obviously, I had to do some research on this topic because as it turns out, I’m no good at being coy and halfway communicating my feelings. So some of the tips I came across were as follows:

Use your words…
How “they” suggest you use your words— say things like, “Wow, Your new haircut looks great,” or “Looks like that crossfit gym membership is paying off,” so he knows you’re flirting and that you’re interested.
How I actually use my words– “I like you,” “I think I have a crush on you.” “Maybe later, I can put your dick in my mouth?”

Utilize Eye Contact
What “they” say to do– Gaze at him seductively
What I actually do— Stare at him like he’s jerk chicken and I’m not a vegetarian.

Show off your assets
What “they” say to do– Be sure to make an effort, wear something sexy, look your best
What I actually do– Wear whatever the fuck I want because I like to be comfortable…. and sometimes pluck my chin hairs.

Laugh at his jokes
What “they” say to do– Men love feeling special, so the next time he cracks a joke, be sure to laugh.
What I actually do– Crack my own jokes because I think I’m really fucking funny.

Make him feel special-
What “they” say to do- Be sure to compliment him and boost his ego.
What I actually do– Say things like, those boxers really make your junk look super sized.

Use Technology-
What they say to do– use social media to “flirt” by poking him and liking his posts.
What I actually do– use social media to low key stalk him and sometimes I like his stuff.

Don’t Flirt with Others-
What they say to do– Don’t flirt with anyone else, ever, no one likes competition.
What I actually do– Write blogs about all they guys I go out with and expect the one I want to step up his fucking game because I’m totally worth it.

Get Physical-
What they say to do- Once you’ve scored a date with him, get physical, but don’t go all the way.  You want him to know you’re interested, but it’s ok to blue ball him.
What I actually do– Try to go in for a kiss because if they can’t kiss, they can’t fuck, and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life.

Talk like a lady-
What they say to do– Watch your mouth. Guys don’t like a girl who talks like a sailor.
What I actually do– “FUUUUUUUCK!”

So basically, I pretty much do everything wrong. I’m fatally flawed with dating. I just expect to run into someone and hit it off and live happily ever after. Not like marriage happily ever after, but like friends who fuck and have fun and talk about everything happily ever after.  For example: Met a guy….got to talking…things were cool….sex was awesome… like really awesome…. and he is awesome… fun to talk to…. easy to be around… things were cool… but one minute he’s hot, one minute he’s cool. And then I think, Is it me? Am I not clear? Does he not want to intrude on my writing because I get in the zone? Am I only his type in the bedroom? So many questions. Too many to ponder and I don’t have enough fucks to give. So instead of listening to the “advice” of talk to him, I’m just like, whatevs… que sera, sera, whatever will be will be. The universe puts people in front of us who are supposed to be there, so why sweat the small stuff? Enjoy the time when we get it and if the opportunity never rolls back around, then so be it. Because obviously, I’m not good at taking the feminine route and doing all the things listed above. I guess the easiest way to describe my life right now is terminally single…. a word that I will probably be using often.