You said “I do”, I say “I don’t”

I met a man the other day. I wasn’t looking. I was actually sitting in my car, waiting on my kid to come out of the store. It was 7 am. I hadn’t even brushed my hair…or my teeth. He smiled at me on the way to his car and then he double back to my car and says, “I can’t leave without talking to you.” Sweet right? I very rarely get hit on in person. Which is really weird because I don’t think I have resting bitch face. I’m always smiling. You would think I’d be approachable, but for whatever reason, that is not the case. Except for with guys who have way more confidence than they should and think the sun sets and rises on their dicks. So this dude, who is just average looking at best, is sweet talking me. “Do you have a man?” “Can I take you out?” “Can I have your number?” “I’m gonna text you in a just a few.”

So, I give the guy my number, because, who cares? If I don’t want to talk to him anymore, I’ll just add him to the long line of blocked numbers on my phone, right?

He starts texting me. “Are you sure you’re single?” “Why don’t you have a man?” “Do you know how beautiful you are?” “You’re smile is amazing.” and on and on and on…. Finally, after reading all that bullshit, because all I’m seeing is physical stuff. He’s not asking what I do for a living, or what I like to go out and do, or how many kids I have, or what my favorite anything is or when he can take me out. He is showering me with unnecessary compliments. And I’m not one of those girls who likes compliments like that. I have a mirror. I know I’m not ugly. I don’t like to be called beautiful and I certainly don’t like it for the sole purpose of getting in my pants, which by this point, I’m sure that is all it is.

Finally, I’m irritated and I ask him if he is single since he is so good at all this sweet talking. And his answer….

“I’ll keep it 100 with you. Yes and no. We live together in separate rooms trying to pay off the house and split the money. Haven’t touched her in three years.”

So I say, “Ok, so she knows you see other women?”

He says, “no, she says she doesn’t care but you know how that goes and she won’t divorce me so I don’t know.”

Me, “So you’re MARRIED?!?!?”

Now I’m like, “peace out, dude,” I’m not trying to date someone’s husband and what kind of dude do you think I am going to think you will be to me if you are cheating on your wife. You think I won’t always think that you’re going to be trying to dick someone else down if we are together? Nah, brah. I already know what the future holds. I might as well have a crystal fucking ball in my pocket. You’re a piece of shit. You are definitely still fucking your wife. There is no such thing as sleeping on the couch. AND if she won’t divorce you, then she will bust out my windows and I don’t need that shit in my life. The last person I knew who had been “sleeping on the couch for two years” had a miracle baby. It’s true. He hadn’t touched her in two years. His ass was sleeping on the couch and one night, out of nowhere, she got knocked up….. with his baby. I don’t know how these things happen. But they happen far too often for me to be that gullible.

So finally, I told him the wife thing wasn’t going to work for me and he was wasting his time, because there are a few things in this life that I will not budge on and scamming on someone else’s man is one of them. Plus, if I wanted to fuck a man who had a girl, I would fuck my dude from yesterday’s blog. Because I know that’s worth some bad karma. I’m definitely not trying to get some bad karma from some lame sex, which, if I had to guess (and I’m pretty good at guessing), I would say sex with this guy would be a complete waste of my time and energy anyway.

So… drawing board, here I come.