I was having a conversation with a friend today about relationships. He was saying that he gets frustrated that women have so many personalities and we never know exactly what it is that we want. He says that we say we want one thing and do another. I told him that men don’t know what they want either. They act like they want one thing and say another. It’s almost the polar opposite. For example: women say they want a relationship. They want to love and have and hold and cherish someone, but when they meet a nice dude, they quickly pack their shit and run because they are scared. Men have a tendency to say they don’t want to be in a relationship and that they aren’t affectionate types but then they want to have you spend the night and cuddle and love on them. I think our main problem as a whole is that a.) maybe none of us know what we want and b.) things are so ever changing, maybe what we want is different with different people or different day to day. I know for a fact that I always say I don’t really want a relationship unless I can have it my way and since Burger King isn’t serving up generous guys with 9″ dicks who like to clean and give massages and go kayaking and vacationing in sandy places while making hysterically funny jokes while grabbing my butt, I guess I’ve opted for the single life. Even though I always secretly hope that the next one is the last one. It never really happens like that. I told my friend today that I’m almost at the point of settling if it meant that I wouldn’t have to financially struggle any more. I always say that when I hit a hard spot. And I’m at a hard spot right now, financially. I know I’ll get over it. I just have to work harder. But as we sat talking today, I told him that if I met a guy who wanted to pay my bills and didn’t want to live with me just wanted to spend a couple hours a day or week with me, I’d be a dick sucking wife. I guess we could debate whether it is prostitution. But really, isn’t marriage just legal prostitution? You pay the bills, I fuck you at will…. I guess maybe that’s not how it works any more since both parties pretty much have to work these days to get by, but originally, women got married so they didn’t have to struggle. So they had security. So they had someone to take care of them. I wish I could give up my independence so much that I could let someone take care of me. Of course I was only joking when I told my friend today that the perfect set up for me would be someone who would just give me a weekly stipend to take care of my bills and I would just swing by before or after work, make him some food, give him some sex, oral or traditional, a peck on the cheek and be on my way. But life can’t be that simple. Everyone wants to get technical and bring out wedding rings and receptions. And really, I’m down for a ring and a party with free vodka, it’s that pesky little ceremony in the middle where I have to promise to obey…. Can you imagine? Me being obedient? I chuckle. I’m not sure I could even say it with a straight face. And if I could, I still don’t think I would. I’d rather sell my soul…. or my body….. Which leads me to the sad realization that prostitution is illegal. It really shouldn’t be. I could have a booming business if it were legal. I mean, if we add up all the people I’ve fucked for free in my lifetime, I bet I could have made the Forbes list if I had charged. Such is life. I don’t even know where I was going with this. Oh yea, I’m broke. I want to write. I don’t want to have to get a “real’ job. So I guess I have to try harder and focus more which probably means fucking less because even when it’s not taking up all of my time, it’s still taking up too much of it. And it’s so pointless and meaningless. Even though I compare myself to a dude, deep down, I’m still a woman and I really do have emotions. I think I have decided that I do, in fact, want some form of a relationship. Even if it’s not the monogamous, marriage inducing kind. I want a steady man figure in my life, like a real one, the kind who opens doors and is respectful and follows through when he says he’s going to call or see you. And I’m pretty sure in order to get that, I need to get myself together, stop looking, because that’s when you find things, and quit slutting it up with man-children. Because, let’s be honest, besides a good dicking down, men under thirty are still trying to figure themselves out. And I’ve already raised three kids. I don’t want to have to raise any more. Not even for five minutes. So I guess I’m on a new mission again. It’s probably going to start as one of those “no sex” times in my life. Then I’ll get moody, because I don’t drink coffee…. sex is my coffee…. but I guess once I get it out of my system, I’ll be ready to find someone worthwhile… or at least that’s my theory. We shall see. Most of my theories flop because I’m not a fucking scientist. Or even a gambler… so I won’t be betting on it.