Yellow Wall of Death

I have a serious driving problem. I guess the problem is really that I’m not a great driver. I don’t text and drive (much) anymore, but I still get distracted if I have my ringer on and I get a notification of any kind. My kid will hear it and sharply say, “don’t you even look. You’re gonna kill us.” And then I usually say something like, “I almost kill you one time and now I can’t drive.” And then he reminds me of three times that I’ve swerved. And that one time I almost hit a wall. None of them are recent. The other day, I guess I ran about 6 yellow lights. I’m always halfway through before they turn red, which makes it legal, right? So then Mel and I start talking about it and he says that I’ve run every yellow light we’ve gotten all day. And then I say, “what if spikes came out of the ground when the light turned yellow and fucked the car up?” And then he took it a step further and said, “what if those spikes are like a wall and then it would just stop the car right there and maybe cut it in half,  killing us both.” I thought that might be a better deterrent for getting me to stop running yellow lights. Then, for the rest of the day and the subsequent days that have followed, every time I run a yellow light, he makes this noise, like a car hitting a wall basically… sounds like “douche” but more forceful and manly than the bag of water you use to clean your vagina (which incidentally you should not use those things). So over the course of the last couple days as he is making the sound of death when I run a yellow light, I realize, I run a lot of damn yellow lights. I came to that realization and said it out loud.

“Hey, I run a lot of damn yellow lights.”

“Yea. That’s what I’m trying to tell you. We’d be dead alot,” he says.

So I guess I really am a terrible driver. Or at least a terrible yellow light runner. I’ve decided to try to change my ways, but we all know that people don’t usually change. So even though I will try not to run a yellow light anymore, I can’t make any promises. Not even to my kid who is now counting the number of times per day we would die if every yellow light came with a wall of death.


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