My Porn Star Crush ***

I know it’s not often that women readily admit to watching porn (because it’s supposedly degrading to us and leads to the devil and all that).  I’m one of those women who doesn’t really watch it or enjoy it…. well, I used to be one of those women, but lately, I have watched my fair share of porn. At first, it started because I had writer’s block for the book I’m writing. I wasn’t binge watching or anything. I was perusing.

Yes, I was perusing porn like you might peruse Craigslist for a job even though you have one or for a house even though you have no intention of moving any time soon. And that’s when I saw him. My dream guy.  My dream guy is a porn star. Go figure. He is literally the definition of tall, dark, and handsome. Tall, as in 6’5…. Swoon…. and he has this adorable face and his body is not too hard on the eyes either. Did I mention he has dreads???

I think maybe that’s the whole thing… maybe it’s the dreads and since KyMani Marley is obviously never going to call me, even though he has my number that I very coolly slipped to him on the cruise, he has yet to dial the fucking number.. Not even to say, “hey, thanks for the really cool coffee mug. How did you know I was a fan of coffee?” To which I would have replied, “well, you find out a lot of things when you’re (not so) low key stalking someone.” But we never got to have that conversation. So I moved my low key stalking on to a porn star.

Turns out, he’s even better than KyMani Marley,  mostly because he tweets back (and in my mind he’s a pretty good singer too)! Another thing I found out, just in case you ladies want to go stalk a porn star and see what all the fuss is about, when you tweet porn stars, it doesn’t show up on your regular twitter timeline from what I can tell. I guess twitter came up with some way to keep your sexual deviance a secret. Not that I really care, because honestly, if I never wrote a blog about porn, the world would probably think I was hiding something. And since you all know me better than anyone because for some reason you keep coming back day after day to read all my ridiculous shenanigans, I felt like I would be doing you a disservice if I didn’t share this story with you because quite frankly, I’ve shocked even myself with this preposterous crush. I mean the whole world knew about KyMani….. FOR YEARS. And then my heart was broken when we met and he didn’t immediately fall head over heels for me or at the very least sneak to my room so I could do dirty things to him. The kind of things crazy adoring fans want to do to their musical soulmates. But now, I’ve moved on (or at least my crazy has) to this new crush. I guess it’s not the kind of crush you call your mom and tell her about, unless you are me, and then you post online for the whole damn world to read including your mom.

So let me explain how this whole thing got started.

Like I said, I was perusing porn. Pornhub to be exact. It’s free. It’s accessible. You can search for whatever sexual parameter you like. I happened to be looking for dreads… it pulled up a whole list of videos. I think this dude was in the top 5 maybe. I’m not sure, honestly.

Anyway, I found this guy. Immediately I was a fan. Before he even dropped his pants (which takes a few minutes in his videos).  Most of the videos that have him in it start out in the same cheesy way. There’s some girl sitting on a couch waiting for him to come in. The director is making small talk with her. “Where are you from?” “What is your name?” “Are you ready for this huge cock that’s about to be here?” You know, the regular questions you might ask a porn star. And she answers his questions as sweet as a freshly baked pecan pie and innocent as a nun (with a really dirty secret). And then this big hunk of a man walks in, fully clothed, tall, and delicious. And he sits down next to the girl(s).  Mind you, they are all like this. Well, maybe not all of them, but a lot of them.

Like I said, I’m not proud, but now I’ve committed to the cause.

Cause I’m a true fan.

So now I’m searching out all of his films and planning on how and when I get to be in one myself.(Just kidding, mom).  I’m taking the angle of, instead of being all low key stalkery like I did with Marley, I’m just gonna invite him to dinner (and dessert) the next time I go to South Florida because as I said, he tweets back. I mean, maybe he will say no, but I’m awesome, so why would he? Right?  I’m a woman with a plan.

So anyway back to the video…. this monstrous hunk of a man comes in and sits down next to the girl. They chit chat. She starts feeling him up. She gets to his package and her face lights up like a kid on Christmas…. until she opens said package… and then there’s this little look of fear and excitement. I’m not sure if it’s staged or real, but they all look pretty real. And then it just goes through the regular porn motions. First a blow job (where she is exclaiming how it’s bigger than her head or she can’t fit it in her mouth and her mouth is not small). Nothing weird or kinky or taboo…. just normal people porn. Normal people sex, except that he’s huge…. everywhere…. EVERYWHERE…..

It’s kind of like a car wreck. You know you shouldn’t be so fascinated, but you just can’t stop looking because you’ve never really seen anything like that in your life. But that’s not why I like him. Because honestly, I think if (when) I meet him, I’d be too scared to let him get near me with that thing. ?And you all know, I’m pretty experienced. But, I just really like his face. He looks fun and happy. He always looks happy. He has good energy (coming from the hippie). I guess if I got paid to have sex, I’d be pretty freaking happy too. But he just looks like a sweetheart. So now, it’s my life’s goal (well, my next 12 months goal) to meet said porn star and take him out to dinner. I always like to meet the people that I have these wild hair brained crushes on mostly to see if the idea of them is as good as the real thing because I like to think I know people. Aside from him not calling me, I was pretty right on about Marley. And I think I’m pretty right on about my porn crush. Only time will tell… but I’ll keep you posted….. 12 months and counting.

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